I've been feeling TJ's absence so much more over the past few days. When things get hard that's when he comes to me. I talk to him in prayer, as him to be with me, ask him to help. Send him to watch over different people in my life. I am so immensely grateful that I have him to do those things for me. And I wish I could just be with him again. Last night I fell asleep with my hand stretched out onto his side of the bed. How incredible would it be if I could just reach over and touch him again? To be able to ask him what he thinks of all this life that is happening to me, for me, and around me and actually hear his voice in response?
It may sound trivial and I want to know if he likes my hair long. He always begged me to grow it out, and every time I would try I would get frustrated and cut it. It's past my shoulders now and the longest since 7th grade. He never got to see it long. I wonder if he would like it?
I urge you, dear readers, to pay attention. To every touch, every word. Everything. It's the little every day things that I miss the most; I long for his response to life. I move through my days imagining and knowing he is with me, watching and guiding. Sometimes I picture him standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders. Sometimes I can feel the weight. I miss him so much. He was nice, big, and strong. And he loved me.