Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I Know How to Take Care of Myself

I want to run away.  I want to go back to Oregon.  And not just Oregon- I want to go to Oregon in 2012.  I want to go where no one knows who I am.  I want to go where I don't owe anyone my presence.  I want to go where the only thing I'm responsible for is the sweet dog and cat.

I'm exhausted.  When I leave the sanctity of my room I feel like I am followed by a qi vampire that is sucking everything I have.  I want to pack up all of my things, pack up my kitties, and go across the country.  I simply don't have the energy for anything, or anyone, else.  How do I make space for myself without offending someone?  It's probably impossible.  And right now I don't seem to care.

I did all of my homework for the next two weeks on Monday and Tuesday so that I can simply show up until after the 3rd.  Me = Zombie

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about how I cannot believe it's been four years.  I have accomplished so much and I'm usually so positive and right now... not so much.  I'm lonely.  Having the connection to a man, a partner, is unlike any connections I have now.  I've got so much to share and no one to share it with.  Not in that way.  I always had so much fun being with TJ.  Some of the most romantic moments I had with him were grocery shopping at Weis Market, or sitting in our living room drinking wine and listening to music.  I miss that.  All of that.  I know I can't have that with him anymore, so I've asked him to help me find someone I can do that with.

As of tomorrow, it's been four years since I've had sex (not that I'm counting...)  I'm usually optimistic about romance yet last night got me thinking "Will it be another four?  Another eight?  Twelve?  Will all of my lady parts simply shrivel up and die?"  I mean, this is really getting ridiculous.  And I'm not one for flings.

I also wonder how these anniversaries and my conversations about relationships will change when I have a partner again.  I'll always love TJ, always miss him... and will these moments be more bearable with someone to hold me through them?  The only way I can participate in conversations about love and relationships is when I reference my relationship with TJ.  It's so weird to talk like that.  I mean, I'm four fucking years removed!  And I know if the person I was talking to didn't know he'd died they sure as hell wouldn't be able to tell by my speaking.  I talk about my experiences with love and feel so disconnected to reality when I do.  I haven't felt any of those things in years.  It's like a programmed recording in my head.  I find myself talking about him like no time has passed and yet it still feels like a script I keep referring to.  It's hard to explain and I'm too tired to try harder.

My sister bought me this wooden block that is painted with a cracked, distressed cream color.  It says "All you need is love... and a cat".  Thank God for them, because they're the only loves I want around right now.  I sat with my Alice and pet her for an hour and a half today.  The entire time I was singing in my head "All you need is love dah dah dah dah daaaah, all you need is love dah dah dah dah daaaah, all you need is love, love.  Love is all you need".  She totally gets me.  The boy is so wonderful at lovin and snugglin and then Alice is there as this intensely grounding force.  How the hell do you thank a cat?  I wish I were telepathic.  I got them just 4 weeks after TJ died.  They were 8 weeks old.  They have saved my life many a time.  They're the only ones I want to be around right now.

This post probably sounds really scattered and that is how my mind is working right now.  So many wonderings, introspection, questions...  I need space and quiet.  I do my best work in this space.  I learn more about myself and what I want in this space.  I need to make time for that, to take time for that.  It's about what I need to make it through.