Friday, December 26, 2014

"The Days Are Long But The Years Are Short"

Christmas Day officially ended 15 minutes ago.  It was so relaxing and joyful; lots of lounging and eating and laughing with my beloved family...

Though today wasn't your average day, I still ended it the same as every other by sitting down to write for my Happiness Project.  It's an amazing book my dear Margaret gave to me for my 34th birthday this year.  It's a journal that has enough blank space to write a few sentences each day of the year, and has enough spaces to fill it for five years.  I began to capture the day in a few sentences, yet still felt like I was forgetting something... so I stopped writing and thought about what it could be.

I am always aware of TJ's absence, though I feel it heavily less and less.  It's almost bittersweet to not have that weight on days like today.  I truly don't miss it, though.  To be able to really enjoy what was going on during each moment with my favorite people today and not feel pulled to a place where I lamented Christmases past was a huge change.  A gift.  Probably the best one.  And I do think of him all the time.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that I talk about him all the time.  Hell, most people overhearing me would probably not even realize he was gone by the way I speak sometimes.  What has changed is how I think of him.  Each day is brand new and each night I fall asleep counting my blessings and thanking God for more time on this earth.  And as time passes quickly and slowly all at the same time, the way that I think of TJ and how we are together in my life has grown intimate in ways I never could have imagined.

I think of him as my angel.  I think of him as my guide.  I think of him as my protector.  I think that, perhaps, this was his purpose all along.  To be all of these things for me in life and in death.  I think he will be involved in every thing I do until the end of time and that it has already been this way since the beginning of time.  I think that he is there every time someone asks me how I am doing and I am able to look them in the eye, smile, and speak from my heart that I truly am doing well and that I am happy.  It is miraculous.  I tell my patients all the time that emotions are not mutually exclusive; that seemingly opposite emotions can coexist in our minds, bodies, and spirits.  Losing TJ taught me that from the start.  And so I can still love him, miss him, mourn him, and be deeply and genuinely happy about my life all at the same time.  I believe that is what I felt was missing tonight when I filled in my few sentences for December 25th 2014... There is no way to write all of those big feelings in so little a space.

And with that I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and blessed New Year