Ever since TJ died I have lived in my childhood home. And ever since the dust began to settle I have dreamed of moving out into a home of my own. Many a time have I been putzing around the house when a pang hits me right in the gut... I think "if TJ were alive I wouldn't have to be here". And when that thought arises it is not because I can't stand to be here, or that I don't get along with my family. It's merely a fact that sometimes it's odd to be living here, because living here means TJ is truly gone.
Tonight, I felt differently.
I sat in the TV room with my dad and my sister, watching Kung Fu Panda, while we waited for my mom to get home from her Monday evening appointments. Many times that I'm there in the arm chair, I think about what school work needs to be done or some worry I have. Tonight, my mind was silent enough for me to realize, in that moment, I had nothing to worry about. I had nothing to do. All that was required of me was to be present in the moment and enjoy every second of being right where I was. I love my family so dearly. They have taken care of me in my darkest hours. I have the luxury of going to school full time, knowing I have a roof over my head and food to eat. And that I have people who love me around all the time. I am so incredibly blessed by them every second, even when they get on my nerves. I know that there will come a day that we won't all be able to sit around together. I intend to savor the time I have here in this home, rather than constantly dreaming of the day I can leave and be a "grown up" again. Because, I realized this night, that I am exactly where I am meant to be. My home will come when the time is right. Right now, I am where I belong.
In Chinese culture, it is believed that souls choose who they are born
unto before coming into their next life. Those parents are chosen
carefully because they are most able to help the child manifest their
destiny. Not only did I choose the most incredible parents, all of my
siblings had the same idea, too...
And so, with that said, to my amazing family: Dad, Mom, Michael, Sean, Olivia, Gina, and Rachel... I love you. Thank you for always giving me the love and support I need. You are always in my heart no matter where the wind scatters us in our day to day lives. I promise to live in such a way as to always show you how loved you are and how grateful I am to be loved by you.