Sometimes I wonder what it will be like to truly love another man. I know I couldn't possibly love anyone the same way that I love TJ, and I wouldn't want to. I would want my new love to be just that, new and only for this man. It's hard to imagine loving someone else, though I guess only because it hasn't happened yet. And, in this season, it's something I am even more curious about.
It's finally behaving like springtime outside. I went for a walk in the park across from my house and there were beautiful humans everywhere. Dad's with their kids, girlfriends walking and talking, couples holding hands and walking their dogs. There were skateboarding teens (overheard as I passed "how the fuck did I get a hole in the top of my shoe?"), men my age playing frisbee. A man passed me twice and both times he was loudly on a business call about tech-sounding matters. Life is truly buzzing and everything is really busting out. The trees, the grass, the colors! Oh, the colors. Such green grass.
In Chinese medicine, the spring time is associated with growth and possibility. We use the time of silence and introspection of winter to create power and ability (and Lord knows we all had plenty of time for that over this long winter). This time enables us to spring forth, if you will, when the seasons change. I am seeing my mother nature show me how I should be living. I am feeling that urge to upward movement. Lately it has manifested in such a powerful feeling of new beginnings.
I know I've talked about this many times before... and for some reason I feel like this spring really may bring with it some romance for me. And I have had an undeniable feeling all day. The words that keep echoing in my mind are "your life is actually starting right now". As if the past three years have been in preparation for what is beginning today. And that makes perfect sense. Mental preparation is now evolving into action. I've passed all of my exams that will allow me to begin clinic. This morning I made my appointments for pre-clinic partnerings that must be done in order to treat my own patients this May. As I added the dates and times to my calendar I felt in my body an enormous stirring. It shook and rattled deep down into my bones. This is all really happening now. Everything has lead me to this very moment in time. Its a vibration unlike any other I have felt. In the past I have called moments like this "big shifts in consciousness". That was before I knew my own energetic body and what it was telling me. And this moment feels unlike any of the other shifts I've experienced. It's as if all of those other evolutions were small potatoes compared to what I'm sensing now. The practices of finding my center and being grounded; the dedication of exploring who I am and then, through that exploration, coming to know myself as a worthy and powerful woman is solidifying together in the most magnificent way. It is going to take me places and allow me experiences I can't even begin to imagine yet.
Although this movement brings with it questions of love and romance, I know there is so much more. Patience has not ever been one of my virtues and yet I am so in awe of this new blooming inside of me that I know good things will come. And all in the right time and space. I am ready. I am open. I am Yes.