Monday, March 3, 2014

Here We Are Again

Mother Nature has done a wonderful job today to ensure that I rested.  I think we ended up with 6-8" of snow...

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I kept waking up to look at the clock.  3:16am, I was still sleeping next to TJ.  5:20am, I was still sleeping next to TJ and it was coming.  5:48am, still sleeping next to TJ and it was coming.  6:20am, we weren't sleeping anymore and he was dying.  7:35am, I was sleeping this time.  The past two years I woke up right at 7:32am naturally, my body knowing that at 7:35am on March 3rd is when the world would change.  This year I slept through it.  I had anticipated it all night with my tossing and turning.  I don't remember my dreams.  I probably didn't have any. 

For most of the day my tears came from the outpouring of love I was receiving from my beloveds.  My tears of grief came later.  They started while I was in the shower around 4 o'clock.  I was fine until I stepped under the unusually hot water and let it soak my hair.  The water felt so good that I bowed my head and let my hands rest on my shoulders.  All of a sudden the memory of standing in this exact same posture came back to me.  It happened three years ago today after I'd returned from the hospital.  Standing under the spray in utter shock.  I cried today like I cried three years ago.  I had to lean my shoulder into the shower wall and place my hand out to keep me upright.  I remembered throwing TJ's toothbrush away as soon as I got out of our shower.

Night time is still the hardest.  So much has changed in three years yet there are so many things that haven't.  I am used to sleeping alone now.  I wasn't sure if that would ever have happened.  I still talk to TJ and ask him questions.  I wonder if I'll ever have answers to any of them?

To round out this day I am sitting here writing with Hank Williams Jr keeping me company.  Hank and Wild Turkey 101.  I raised my glass and looked to the sky to toast my husband.  To the man who made me whole.  I want to continue to live a life that I know he would be proud of.  Tonight, I asked him to continue to help me live authentically so I can truly be the best me.  I asked him to continue to guide me as I go further into my journey of becoming a healer.  I told him how much passion I felt for this medicine; that this is what I must do to be fulfilled.  I told him that I missed him so much.  I told him that I love him.  I asked him if he saw me in the hospital those years ago, touching his face, whispering in his ear... I hope he did.  I hope he still does.

TJ, my baby, I love you.

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