Monday, March 31, 2014

Yes

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like to truly love another man.  I know I couldn't possibly love anyone the same way that I love TJ, and I wouldn't want to.  I would want my new love to be just that, new and only for this man.  It's hard to imagine loving someone else, though I guess only because it hasn't happened yet.  And, in this season, it's something I am even more curious about.

It's finally behaving like springtime outside.  I went for a walk in the park across from my house and there were beautiful humans everywhere.  Dad's with their kids, girlfriends walking and talking, couples holding hands and walking their dogs.  There were skateboarding teens (overheard as I passed "how the fuck did I get a hole in the top of my shoe?"), men my age playing frisbee.  A man passed me twice and both times he was loudly on a business call about tech-sounding matters.  Life is truly buzzing and everything is really busting out.  The trees, the grass, the colors!  Oh, the colors.  Such green grass.

In Chinese medicine, the spring time is associated with growth and possibility.  We use the time of silence and introspection of winter to create power and ability (and Lord knows we all had plenty of time for that over this long winter).  This time enables us to spring forth, if you will, when the seasons change.  I am seeing my mother nature show me how I should be living.  I am feeling that urge to upward movement.  Lately it has manifested in such a powerful feeling of new beginnings.

I know I've talked about this many times before... and for some reason I feel like this spring really may bring with it some romance for me.  And I have had an undeniable feeling all day.  The words that keep echoing in my mind are "your life is actually starting right now".  As if the past three years have been in preparation for what is beginning today.  And that makes perfect sense.  Mental preparation is now evolving into action.  I've passed all of my exams that will allow me to begin clinic.  This morning I made my appointments for pre-clinic partnerings that must be done in order to treat my own patients this May.  As I added the dates and times to my calendar I felt in my body an enormous stirring.  It shook and rattled deep down into my bones.  This is all really happening now.  Everything has lead me to this very moment in time.  Its a vibration unlike any other I have felt.  In the past I have called moments like this "big shifts in consciousness".  That was before I knew my own energetic body and what it was telling me.  And this moment feels unlike any of the other shifts I've experienced.  It's as if all of those other evolutions were small potatoes compared to what I'm sensing now.  The practices of finding my center and being grounded; the dedication of exploring who I am and then, through that exploration, coming to know myself as a worthy and powerful woman is solidifying together in the most magnificent way.  It is going to take me places and allow me experiences I can't even begin to imagine yet. 

Although this movement brings with it questions of love and romance, I know there is so much more.  Patience has not ever been one of my virtues and yet I am so in awe of this new blooming inside of me that I know good things will come.  And all in the right time and space.  I am ready.  I am open.  I am Yes.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Here We Are Again

Mother Nature has done a wonderful job today to ensure that I rested.  I think we ended up with 6-8" of snow...

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I kept waking up to look at the clock.  3:16am, I was still sleeping next to TJ.  5:20am, I was still sleeping next to TJ and it was coming.  5:48am, still sleeping next to TJ and it was coming.  6:20am, we weren't sleeping anymore and he was dying.  7:35am, I was sleeping this time.  The past two years I woke up right at 7:32am naturally, my body knowing that at 7:35am on March 3rd is when the world would change.  This year I slept through it.  I had anticipated it all night with my tossing and turning.  I don't remember my dreams.  I probably didn't have any. 

For most of the day my tears came from the outpouring of love I was receiving from my beloveds.  My tears of grief came later.  They started while I was in the shower around 4 o'clock.  I was fine until I stepped under the unusually hot water and let it soak my hair.  The water felt so good that I bowed my head and let my hands rest on my shoulders.  All of a sudden the memory of standing in this exact same posture came back to me.  It happened three years ago today after I'd returned from the hospital.  Standing under the spray in utter shock.  I cried today like I cried three years ago.  I had to lean my shoulder into the shower wall and place my hand out to keep me upright.  I remembered throwing TJ's toothbrush away as soon as I got out of our shower.

Night time is still the hardest.  So much has changed in three years yet there are so many things that haven't.  I am used to sleeping alone now.  I wasn't sure if that would ever have happened.  I still talk to TJ and ask him questions.  I wonder if I'll ever have answers to any of them?

To round out this day I am sitting here writing with Hank Williams Jr keeping me company.  Hank and Wild Turkey 101.  I raised my glass and looked to the sky to toast my husband.  To the man who made me whole.  I want to continue to live a life that I know he would be proud of.  Tonight, I asked him to continue to help me live authentically so I can truly be the best me.  I asked him to continue to guide me as I go further into my journey of becoming a healer.  I told him how much passion I felt for this medicine; that this is what I must do to be fulfilled.  I told him that I missed him so much.  I told him that I love him.  I asked him if he saw me in the hospital those years ago, touching his face, whispering in his ear... I hope he did.  I hope he still does.

TJ, my baby, I love you.