Monday, December 9, 2013

He Can Still Make Me Laugh

 I was reading through my online dream journal.  I have recorded my dreams of TJ since he died.  In reading them again I was transported right back into my head, into the visual of the dreams.  As I begin reading each entry, I start off being surprised that I don't recall "this one".  And then, all of a sudden, I know what happens next before I read my story about it.  I'm so glad I've documented them.  They're incredible and fantastical and completely ordinary.

After I read through my dreams, I went to a folder labeled "C Luck Emails".  I wasn't quite sure I remembered what I had put there, having created it so long ago.  All of them just say "FWD" in the subject.  I quickly realized, upon opening the folder, that they were emails from my work account that I had sent to myself before I resigned in August of 2011.  The very first email I opened was dated March 3rd 2011.  It was from the COO of my company, Jon Nash.  It was the most heart wrenching email filled with his shock and sadness.  He spoke about how I was so sweet and positive and couldn't fathom everything that was going on; how horrific it was, how confusing it was.  Re-reading it was jarring, especially because I wasn't expecting it when I opened the folder.  As I read, I had to pause.  All I could do was drop my head into my hands, squeeze my eyelids shut, and cry.  With one email, I was transported back to the days after his death.  There were more emails that I read.  Emails from my vendors, from my office mates.  All filled with shock and concern, with offerings of help and of condolences.

Halfway through the list of emails in this folder from BDL, I clicked on the next one down; wondering who it might be from and what the content would hold this time.  Instead, to my surprise, it was an email from TJ.  There was no text, only a photo and the subject line "no-no".  Through my tears I laughed.  I tilted my head back and chuckled at the absurdity.  I think the last time I laughed and cried at the same time was at his funeral, during the eulogies.  I am so grateful for his humor and that I kept so much that he'd sent me.  He always knew how to cheer me up.  And he still knows, apparently.  Enjoy the content of this amazing email, my beloveds.  I know I needed this.  You probably do, too...


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