Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Thank You, 2013

As I sat and created a list of my intentions for the year 2014, I realized that 2013 has been one of my best years yet.  I am amazed at the growth that I have experienced in one short year.  I am following my dream of being a healer, I am more grounded and peaceful than I have ever been, and I am constantly learning more about myself.  I have learned to be assertive, to be clear.  I have learned that I always have a choice, and that choosing peace and gratitude serves me every time.  I not only survived my first year of grad school, I thrived.  I experienced the 2nd anniversary of TJ's death and felt more at ease with my grief than the year before.  I experienced our 8th wedding anniversary with more smiles and more gratitude for the time we had together.  I experienced my first few dates, which taught me so much about what I want and don't want (and provided some pretty hilarious stories, in hindsight).  I experienced my promise in being ceremony.  I experienced my needling ceremony.  I experienced treating patients, which is one of the greatest gifts of all.  So many more events have shaped the last year of my life; some big, some small.  And I know deep down in my bones that each one of those experiences have shaped who I am in this moment. 

I recently got around to watching the finale of  The Office.  Andy says something along the lines "I wish someone would tell you that you are in the good old days before you've left them".  And so I am grateful for the gift of reflection on this New Years Eve.  Before you leave, 2013, I close my eyes and pause to appreciate how beautiful you have been.  I am so grateful for my experiences; no matter "good" or "bad".  Everything in this life is my teacher.  I welcome 2014 with an open heart and await the joys, the sorrows, and everything in between.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Winter Solstice

Yesterday, I stumbled upon a writing exercise on how to open up your chakras through certain questions and journaling about them.  I tend to seize upon any excuse to write, so I spent two and a half hours to answer these questions presented in the most authentic way possible.  If you're interested in trying it, the link is here.  The link also includes the questions and more details about each chakra.  My intention of sharing of my experience through this exercise is to root it more deeply within myself, and hopefully inspire you to contemplate these questions that will help bring clarity and oneness within your self.

"Winter solstice is today- the light is returning!  I read an online article about how to open my chakras and it's a journal exercise.  How fitting.  So here goes:

1) Muladhara Chakra: in balance= security, calm, connection to earth.  My relationship with my family is incredible.  I am so grateful that there is so much love and connection present.  Sometimes I feel bad for the disconnect with my aunt and uncle, yet not bad enough to do something about it.  Perhaps I should ask my Dad how he feels- really have a private chat.  That may help me know more in order to take action or not.  My relationship with money is tumultuous.  I hate money when I don't have it and I love money when I do.  I am usually broke however I am very good at budgeting my money.  I always balance my checkbook so I know how much I have.  I make lists of things I want to buy so that when there is enough money I don't spend it on things I don't need.  I would love to get to a place where I neither love nor hate money; a place where I have enough for things I need and want.

2) Svadhisthana Chakra: in balance= creativity, blossoming of love.  I express my creativity mostly through writing.  I love to write.  Self expression is so important to me.  Writing means I don't have to have any one's immediate attention to feel heard.  Writing just for myself- as I am now- is healing for me.  I also love to make jewelry.  I have to be in the mood for this creative outlet to fully embrace it, yet when I do I make so much stuff!  Another creative outlet is drawing my pictures for point location.  It's so fun to see the acupuncture point names and come up with what image will help me remember them. I crack myself up doing it and it is so helpful in my studying.  It's nice to make it fun.  I feel creatively blocked when I'm feeling upset and I know if I wrote I'd feel better- yet when I sit down to write I don't know what to say.  I guess I feel blocked because there's so much going on in my head that I can't nail down what the root of my upset is about.  Or maybe it's because I know what's upsetting me and I'm afraid to write it down (ah-hah!) (**I drew a picture next to my 'ah-hah' of a light bulb lighting up)  I feel creatively open when my heart light is shining on what needs to be spoken and I am anxious to sit down and speak my truth.  I allow it to flow from me freely and let it teach me about what I need.

3) Manipura Chakra: in balance= strong sense of trust, self-esteem, responsibility, and strength/power.  I consider myself an extrovert, definitely.  I love people.  Talking to them, connecting with them.  I love people watching and listening to others talk and connect.  I am fascinated by life and how different we all are, and how we are a part of the same whole.  It's so amazing that my true feelings about it are unspeakable.  I may need to stoke my fire (power) in my self love and self worth.  I come down hard on myself and it really doesn't serve me.  I don't think it ever has.  It's a very old practice that I am ready to let go of right now.  The second part of this question is "how do you need to contain the flames?"  I choose not to answer this question because, for me, I have been dormant for far too long.  I say it is time for my fires to be stoked and brought back to life.

4) Anahata Chakra: in balance= at peace with self, others, and environment.  The injustices in society that break my heart are all surrounded in the subject of inequality.  Whether sex, race, sexual orientation, or age.  All humans are precious.  All of us are one!  How can we possibly assign worth to a life, a person, merely because of their skin color, their gender, their age, their choice of who they love?  It turns my stomach- I feel tightness there as I write.  We are all one.  We are.  The second part of this exercise is to write a forgiveness letter to someone.  I'll do that on separate paper.  (WOW- THAT FELT INCREDIBLE!!  And instead of being afraid and tearing it up, I taped it up in my window next to my letter to God.  Facing out, for the Universe to see.)

5) Vishudha Chakra: in balance= purity of speech, expression, and of choice.  "List 10 adjectives that describe you".  Here goes:
*note to self- I got to 5 and was stumped on how to continue. **note to self- I say "determined" is worth saying twice.  It is my passion and determination that keeps me going.
I tend to be the talker, however it depends on who I am with.  I have become a better listener through my studies at school.  I used to listen to respond.  I am learning to listen to listen.  To be still and simply receive.  This, too, is a gift to others.  Sometimes I talk more because I have a lot to say on the subject.  Sometimes I talk more because they seem quiet and I want to engage them, to connect with them.  I find that, with my ongoing practice, I am able to let go of this desire and simply be with those who aren't feeling the need to fill the silence.  It's quite beautiful.

6) Anja Chakra: the 3rd eye chakra: in balance= allows us to answer our own questions, unites self and spirit to access our inner resources and light.  "If you had one question to ask a psychic, what would you ask?"  I would ask if/when I would find true romantic love again.  It is all I can think of to ask.  Everything else is going so well.  Finding love and partnership again seem like the last piece of the puzzle for me.  A time when I listened to my intuition and it worked was when I decided to apply to Tai Sophia.  It almost felt impulsive and yet I know it's what I needed to do.  I didn't research other schools.  I wouldn't let myself over think it.  I applied and waited.  Best decision ever.  A time when I ignored my intuition was my first wedding anniversary after TJ had died.  I was terribly sad and I chose to go out to lunch with some friends that I knew I had to pretend to be happier around, for their comfort.  Before I even ordered food, I had to run to the bathroom to vomit.  My body knew what it needed and wasn't going to let me ignore it.

7) Sahasrara Chakra: in balance= spiritually alive and connected.  The word God resonates with me in a new way all the time.  Now, at this moment, God is merging with the idea of Universe for me.  It was since TJ died that I shied away from the idea of God.  It has been only recently that I have allowed God into being with the Universe.  They work together.  I've begun to pray again and it feels good, natural.  The recognition of God in my life, the reintegration of God into my spirituality, is very organic.  The times when I feel the most connected to my spirituality is anywhere out in nature, when I look into another humans eyes, when I experience love and the gift of touch, when I hold a baby.  When I am in awe and filled with inspiration, I know God.  Those are the times I am reminded of the oneness, times that I am reminded of my part in this great cosmic mystery."

Monday, December 9, 2013

He Can Still Make Me Laugh

 I was reading through my online dream journal.  I have recorded my dreams of TJ since he died.  In reading them again I was transported right back into my head, into the visual of the dreams.  As I begin reading each entry, I start off being surprised that I don't recall "this one".  And then, all of a sudden, I know what happens next before I read my story about it.  I'm so glad I've documented them.  They're incredible and fantastical and completely ordinary.

After I read through my dreams, I went to a folder labeled "C Luck Emails".  I wasn't quite sure I remembered what I had put there, having created it so long ago.  All of them just say "FWD" in the subject.  I quickly realized, upon opening the folder, that they were emails from my work account that I had sent to myself before I resigned in August of 2011.  The very first email I opened was dated March 3rd 2011.  It was from the COO of my company, Jon Nash.  It was the most heart wrenching email filled with his shock and sadness.  He spoke about how I was so sweet and positive and couldn't fathom everything that was going on; how horrific it was, how confusing it was.  Re-reading it was jarring, especially because I wasn't expecting it when I opened the folder.  As I read, I had to pause.  All I could do was drop my head into my hands, squeeze my eyelids shut, and cry.  With one email, I was transported back to the days after his death.  There were more emails that I read.  Emails from my vendors, from my office mates.  All filled with shock and concern, with offerings of help and of condolences.

Halfway through the list of emails in this folder from BDL, I clicked on the next one down; wondering who it might be from and what the content would hold this time.  Instead, to my surprise, it was an email from TJ.  There was no text, only a photo and the subject line "no-no".  Through my tears I laughed.  I tilted my head back and chuckled at the absurdity.  I think the last time I laughed and cried at the same time was at his funeral, during the eulogies.  I am so grateful for his humor and that I kept so much that he'd sent me.  He always knew how to cheer me up.  And he still knows, apparently.  Enjoy the content of this amazing email, my beloveds.  I know I needed this.  You probably do, too...