Saturday, November 16, 2013

Sweet Dreams

Last night I had two very separate, very similar dreams.  In both, it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship with a man I connected to deeply.  The men were very different in each dream.

The first was set at my Gammy's house in her living and dining room.  It seemed like a military type gathering and he was part of the group of men that were there.  I get the feeling this was the first time meeting him.  His baby girl was there as well and I had spent most of the dinner event talking with him, his friends, and holding his daughter.  She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I couldn't stop kissing her little cheeks and nose.  At one point, as we were staying behind to help clean, he came up to me as I was holding his little girl.  He looked at me so adoringly and lovingly.  He paused in front of me and we stared into each others eyes.  In that moment, I took him in.  He was very tall and broad.  A solid yet soft man.  Cropped hair- maybe even bald because it looked blonde or even flesh colored.  He had dark blue eyes.  As I looked up at him I knew that we would be together.  He slid in closer to me and slipped an arm around my waist, pulling me close.  As I held his daughter on my left hip, he embraced us.  I rested my head on his chest and he rested his head on the top of my head.  And that was the end of that dream. 

The second was set in my parents old house on Market Street.  We were in the living room and foyer, yet it opened up into a dimly lit restaurant/bar.  I had been at the restaurant and was walking towards the foyer when someone asked if I could watch this little baby girl.  She was so beautiful and sweet.  And so smiley.  I accepted, of course.  The person passing her to me told me her father would be coming for her shortly as he was in the restaurant section settling up and she would let him know that I had her.  As I held her and spoke to her softly, I kissed her cheeks and her nose.  As we walked the front foyer, I bounced her gently and told her stories.  As we came towards the restaurant opening portion of the front hall a man ducked into the foyer.  I stopped dead in my tracks, completely stunned by his handsome looks.  He was a little bit taller than me.  He had olivey skin and jet black hair.  It curled loosely atop his head and he had a black mustache.  He was wearing worn jeans, a button down shirt, and a leather jacket.  When he looked up at me, he smiled and his green eyes sparkled.  He walked toward us, greeting me as her father and talking to his little one in my arms.  I introduced myself and told him how beautiful and sweet his daughter was.  He let me hold her as we began to chat.  Suddenly, I realized that her diaper must be leaking because I could tell she was peeing on me as I held her.  I looked up at him so surprised and stifled a laugh as I quickly told him what was happening.  We sprung into action; I rushed to the bathroom down the hall with her father on my heels.  I held her over the sink and let her drip until he could rustle up a fresh diaper.  As he began to apologize to me and offer to clean her up, I insisted he let me because I was already messy.  We laughed and spoke to her together as we leaned over the changing table.  After she was freshened up, I handed her over to him so I could freshen up.  I noticed through the reflection of the mirror that he was watching me intently as I stood at the sink with a wet towel, dabbing at my clothes and smiling.  I turned to tell him not to worry and we locked eyes.  There was fire in his, a dim smouldering fire and what I interpreted as curiosity and awe.  I was ignited in the presence of this exchange.  I felt so connected to him in that moment and I knew this would not be the last time we were together.  This was just the beginning. 

I find it so incredibly interesting that both men had baby daughters.  What happened to their mothers?  They were totally different men and I experienced two totally different connections with them.  Every dream I have ever had that involves me and babies, those babies are always girls.  I'm also not surprised to feel so deeply connected with the baby girls in each of these dreams.  I feel that way about all of my friends children already, so it would not be difficult for me to slip into that role of adoration and complete love for a sweet little one that just so happened to be born from another's womb.  The idea of finding love and an instant family was so beautiful to me.  And yet I woke up feeling so much loss.  My only thought upon waking was that I want a man in my life.  I want to feel all of the things that having a male partner brings.  The feelings of love, of safety, of preciousness.  I wish either one of those dreams could be my reality.  I really do.

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