Saturday, November 16, 2013

Sweet Dreams

Last night I had two very separate, very similar dreams.  In both, it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship with a man I connected to deeply.  The men were very different in each dream.

The first was set at my Gammy's house in her living and dining room.  It seemed like a military type gathering and he was part of the group of men that were there.  I get the feeling this was the first time meeting him.  His baby girl was there as well and I had spent most of the dinner event talking with him, his friends, and holding his daughter.  She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I couldn't stop kissing her little cheeks and nose.  At one point, as we were staying behind to help clean, he came up to me as I was holding his little girl.  He looked at me so adoringly and lovingly.  He paused in front of me and we stared into each others eyes.  In that moment, I took him in.  He was very tall and broad.  A solid yet soft man.  Cropped hair- maybe even bald because it looked blonde or even flesh colored.  He had dark blue eyes.  As I looked up at him I knew that we would be together.  He slid in closer to me and slipped an arm around my waist, pulling me close.  As I held his daughter on my left hip, he embraced us.  I rested my head on his chest and he rested his head on the top of my head.  And that was the end of that dream. 

The second was set in my parents old house on Market Street.  We were in the living room and foyer, yet it opened up into a dimly lit restaurant/bar.  I had been at the restaurant and was walking towards the foyer when someone asked if I could watch this little baby girl.  She was so beautiful and sweet.  And so smiley.  I accepted, of course.  The person passing her to me told me her father would be coming for her shortly as he was in the restaurant section settling up and she would let him know that I had her.  As I held her and spoke to her softly, I kissed her cheeks and her nose.  As we walked the front foyer, I bounced her gently and told her stories.  As we came towards the restaurant opening portion of the front hall a man ducked into the foyer.  I stopped dead in my tracks, completely stunned by his handsome looks.  He was a little bit taller than me.  He had olivey skin and jet black hair.  It curled loosely atop his head and he had a black mustache.  He was wearing worn jeans, a button down shirt, and a leather jacket.  When he looked up at me, he smiled and his green eyes sparkled.  He walked toward us, greeting me as her father and talking to his little one in my arms.  I introduced myself and told him how beautiful and sweet his daughter was.  He let me hold her as we began to chat.  Suddenly, I realized that her diaper must be leaking because I could tell she was peeing on me as I held her.  I looked up at him so surprised and stifled a laugh as I quickly told him what was happening.  We sprung into action; I rushed to the bathroom down the hall with her father on my heels.  I held her over the sink and let her drip until he could rustle up a fresh diaper.  As he began to apologize to me and offer to clean her up, I insisted he let me because I was already messy.  We laughed and spoke to her together as we leaned over the changing table.  After she was freshened up, I handed her over to him so I could freshen up.  I noticed through the reflection of the mirror that he was watching me intently as I stood at the sink with a wet towel, dabbing at my clothes and smiling.  I turned to tell him not to worry and we locked eyes.  There was fire in his, a dim smouldering fire and what I interpreted as curiosity and awe.  I was ignited in the presence of this exchange.  I felt so connected to him in that moment and I knew this would not be the last time we were together.  This was just the beginning. 

I find it so incredibly interesting that both men had baby daughters.  What happened to their mothers?  They were totally different men and I experienced two totally different connections with them.  Every dream I have ever had that involves me and babies, those babies are always girls.  I'm also not surprised to feel so deeply connected with the baby girls in each of these dreams.  I feel that way about all of my friends children already, so it would not be difficult for me to slip into that role of adoration and complete love for a sweet little one that just so happened to be born from another's womb.  The idea of finding love and an instant family was so beautiful to me.  And yet I woke up feeling so much loss.  My only thought upon waking was that I want a man in my life.  I want to feel all of the things that having a male partner brings.  The feelings of love, of safety, of preciousness.  I wish either one of those dreams could be my reality.  I really do.

Monday, November 11, 2013

I Made It

I've officially made it to 33.  Being a year older than TJ is definitely bittersweet.  All my life I've been two years younger than him.  Because of this I decided to really celebrate this year by drawing it out over three days.  It's the first big celebration of my birthday since he died.  That first year I didn't want to do anything.  I didn't even want a cake.  I had a few friends over, we ordered Chinese and watched a movie.  Last year I eased myself into the spirit more by actually going out to dinner with those same friends from the year before.  So, the other night I had a party and 16 friends came, which is a pretty big group.  We went to dinner and came back home for drinks, cake, and games.  I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.  I was surrounded by people that I love and hold dearly.  The next day was spent with my family, my sister-in-laws family, and my in-laws.  It was so relaxing and lovely.  I felt abundant joy.

And then that night a feeling of dread came over me.  As I lay in bed, wishing to fall asleep, all I could think of was how afraid I was that I wouldn't wake up the next day- my birthday.  I'm not sure where this came from and yet the thought was penetrating my body and mind.  I realize now that this happens often when things get really good.  When I am truly happy this dread has a way of enveloping me.  In speaking with my sister in law on the phone this evening I was able to pinpoint the exact reason that this happens; everything was completely perfect the night before TJ died.  It was a regular old day and it was absolutely perfect.  I was in the best mood.  I was positively humming with joy while doing the most average things; I was so lighthearted... nothing could get me down.  And then, in less than 12 hrs, TJ died.  I had always assumed this fear of mine came out of enjoying life without TJ and missing him, or fearing to move forward without him.  I know now that at times of pure love and joy I am subconsciously and then consciously waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's fucking horrible.  I want to relish the enjoyment of life again without this fear.  I am going to practice peace surrounding this.  And as for last night, I spoke to TJ about my fear.  I asked him to send me love and peace.  I asked him to be with me.  I feel asleep imagining him lying at my back with his arms around me, keeping me safe and warm. 

Today, my "for real birthday" as a friend said this morning, has been filled with moments of sadness and moments of peace and joy.  I treated myself to a pedicure, I had lunch with some of my best friends and their beautiful new baby girl.  Two other best friends announced their engagement to each other this morning and I am so so happy.  So happy I cried when I called to congratulate him.  When I hung up the phone I wept and wept.  Love is so beautiful and so powerful.  TJ and I adore this couple and have spent many years routing for them and their love for one another.  I wept because it breaks my heart that he won't be around to see them get married. 

Everyone always tells me "he IS here" or "he DOES see"...  I hate it when people say that shit to me.  It's insulting.  I do feel his presence.  I believe that he is capable of being with us.  And it's just not the same.  It's not the same as having him with us in the flesh, experiencing all that life has to offer.  Please, just let me have my moment.  Let me mourn his presence when I need to and stop trying to fix it by adding that lame consolation.  Because hearing those words doesn't console me at all.  Let me be in my deep unknowing.  Going there allows me to find my power in order to make beautiful progress in my life.  TJ is not here on this earth; breathing air and walking by our sides.  It plain sucks.  So let it suck.

We can be happy, live in joy, and mourn our loss simultaneously.  Trust me, I do it every single day.  It is truly the great mystery and I continue to be in awe.

Thank you for continuing to join me on this journey.  I am so grateful for your listening.  It is such a gift.