Who am I if not for the pain? Some days it doesn't even feel real that we were married. Like it's some imagining of mine, and yet I can still feel his face beneath my palms. I can still feel his arms around my body.
Today was particularly average. Which is alarming in it's own way. Both times that I cried today was because of the strangeness of not feeling crushed. It's like a suspense thriller; where you know, at any minute, something is going to happen on screen to make you gasp and jump in your seat. The anticipation of pain is always there on days like today. And then a sort of guilt for actually feeling okay. Today, the pain didn't really come. I didn't even feel totally heavy. And yet, last Friday in school, I was near hysterics just after our needling ceremony. We had to share something, a memory of our own hands. All I could think about was how I used my hands to comfort and hold TJ as he died; how I held his face and hands after he had turned cold, how my hands warmed his to my body temperature.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no clue how to handle this newest development of normalcy. One of my teachers told me, around TJ's death anniversary, not to get too hung up on the date; that TJ isn't here in breath every day. It's on our 8th wedding anniversary that I actually understand what she means. I felt more loss, more deep sadness four days ago than I do today. It's fucking weird. I don't understand it. Everything I know is changing again. At the cemetery I asked TJ to help me be at peace with this new unknowning, to help me to stop trying to figure everything out. To let coincidences be coincidences. To stop looking for signs. A wise friend told me tonight that I need to trust that I have everything that I need already inside of myself. She said "don't let your mind kidnap your heart".
Fall is the season for letting go. So long did I have TJ to help me decide. I've continued to ask him for guidance and for signs on how I should live. It's so hard to let that go. It's so hard to trust myself... I don't know why I want to hang on. I've been doing an incredible job over the past few years. So why is it that I can't stand up and proclaim that I am the designer of my life? That it's not up to signs and coincidences that call to me to be interpreted? Why can't I take responsibility for my choices? I can't even decide if it's a good or a bad thing to want to hold on to the idea that TJ can help me.
My head hurts and I am tired. I just don't know if I'm ready.