Monday, July 22, 2013

Troubled Mind

Today started so wonderfully.  I woke up on my own, got dressed in my favorite blue cotton sundress, let my hair dry naturally wavy and wild...  I had all of the best intentions of going to the market and then studying all day for my finals coming up.  I really did.  However, as I drove through town on my way to the store I landed on the highway heading North instead.  It's really been far too long since I'd laid down on the earth.  My car wound it's way along my favorite route to my beloved hiking spot in Cunningham State Park.  (The weather is nice and mild today so of course I rode with the windows down and the music up.)  When I arrived at my favorite spot I walked through the brush in my flip flops.  The air was moist in the forest and so clean in my lungs.  As I made my way to the clearing my feet sunk into the soft ground which provided the most luxurious cushion.  When I feel the call to be in nature, I go deep.  I want to be sure I can't hear or see anything man made.  As I laid my blanket down (the one I always keep in my trunk for occasions such as this) all I could hear were the birds singing, the bugs chirping, and the constant hush of the leaves blowing in the breeze; as if they were "shhhhh"ing me, calling me to be present.

When I close my eyes the sounds are intensified.  I found myself wishing that I had someone to share this moment with.  It was far too peaceful and joyful to experience it alone.  Yet I am alone.  I found myself wishing for someone I could hold hands with, someone to lay next to and breathe this delicious air with as we lay together on my blanket.  That person can never be TJ.  Who could he be, then?  As much as I think I'm ready for him to come into my life the more fearful I find myself.  I'm so tired of being alone.  I decide to lay still and focus on my breath so I can let this worry dissolve and it does.

On my way back to the city I came across two different farms that were selling their produce.  Gorgeous corn, plump and decadent nectarines, gleaming tomatoes abound.  One of my stops was Pryor's Orchard.  The road winds through the picturesque scene of mountains, clouds, and rows upon rows of fruit trees.  I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of this place that I had to pull over and wander.  I walked through the trees, awakening my senses.  The smell of the overly ripe fruits that had already fallen was thick in the air.  I ducked beneath a peach tree, being careful not to step on any bees.  The sweet smells, the humid mountain air, and the vibrant colors of the fruit is a heavenly combination...

I wondered if TJ could see me at that moment, sitting under the tree I'd chosen as mine.  Was he watching me?  Did I look beautiful to him?  I feel beautiful.  It's finally coming back.  And yet I can't create the same feeling of beauty that I had in the presence of TJ.  I feel beautiful and look beautiful to myself.  How do I appear in the eyes of others?  Why do I care if I am noticed?  There was something so intoxicating about the way TJ would look at me when I was feeling particularly pretty.  He told me once that I was always beautiful and yet when I truly felt it within myself those were the days that I was radiant.  I'll have to take his word on that.  All of these new feelings are so confusing.

My last stop was the store to pick up some fresh fish for my dinner tonight.  The gentleman who helped me was so kind, so handsome, and there was something about the look in his eyes that made me feel incredible; like there was no one else in the store but me.  His name tag said "Eddie".  I was polite to Eddie; I made eye contact, smiled and thanked him.  I was trying to hide my exploration of his face; dark eyes, peach skin, handsome bones.  When I got into my car I had the wildest notion to give him my phone number.  I dismissed it as a crazy whim and began my drive home.  As I unloaded my farmers haul, I began to think more about Eddie.  Why couldn't I give him my phone number?  I'm feeling beautiful today, after all.  The more I regretted not acting on my impulse the more fearful I became.  Where did this idea come from?  Is it worth the risk?  I called one of my best friends.  We spoke for an hour on the phone and she was able to help me understand where the fear was coming from.  My fear stems not from the notion that he might not be single or interested, but from the notion that he will accept me and take me up on my offer.  I realized while talking to my friend that I am terrified of being the aggressor.  What if I pursue someone and then freak out and change my mind?  How cold would it be to be coveted and then rejected by the pretty girl in the blue cotton dress?  I explained to her that I was much more open to being approached.  If I'm asked out for a drink or coffee by a handsome man I'd probably say yes.  And if I go out with this man and I realize I'm not ready for dating after all, it would feel easier to explain that and spare his feelings.  My logic seems sound, yet I can hear my acupuncturist telling me what she's told me before: I can't control what other people think.  Sometimes I wish I knew how to get out of my own head.

My fears can sometimes turn into anger.  Anger that I have to deal with these thoughts and realities at all.  I should still be married to TJ.  I should be able to hold his hand, share his air, make this beautiful harvest into a meal for our family.  Living this reality is still a mystery to me.  And my desire for partnership is screaming loudly from deep within my gut.  I am feeling more confident than ever before; I am aware of my power and my beauty.  Am I ready to share my life again?  Even in a casual, easy way?  I won't know until I try.  Maybe it's time to listen to my gut and see where it takes me (Back to the fish counter next week)...