I can't place the feeling I've been experiencing for the past week. It feels like it may be somewhere between sadness and loneliness, though I'm not sure. Maybe it's all the new music I've been listening to? Not that the songs are particularly sad or depressing, just that they're new. I miss listening to music with TJ on breezy summer nights like the ones we've been having. I go through these periods quite often, though they seem to go away with the next sunrise. This week, that's not the case. Perhaps another shift is coming on. These feelings of sadness and loneliness, almost hopelessness, usually precede another big evolution.
I haven't had much homework this week because one of my midterms was last week. Maybe it's just that I've had more time to think about other things? School work is so consuming I don't have much time to let my mind wander. I've enjoyed this tiny break from the grind. I've been able to go outside every day and lie under trees. That's my favorite thing to do in summer; find a shady spot under a luscious, green tree. Spreading out a soft blanket, kicking off my shoes, drinking in everything my eyes can see and my ears can hear. It renews me like nothing else. I lie on my back and watch the clouds go by, daydreaming about anything and everything. Yesterday I decided to sing to myself. I sat right on the edge of the clearing I'd found. I spread my skirt out like a fan and started to sing a new song I love to the trees and birds around me. I can't remember the last time I heard my own voice that way. I forgot how beautiful it can be. I'm usually singing along with the radio so I can barely hear myself anyway. In college during my senior year I sang every week at The Main Squeeze. I didn't always have accompaniment so most nights I'd just wing it solo. Someone recorded me singing once and I barely recognized my own voice when I heard it again. I need to start singing more often. It brings me so much joy.
Tears are filling my eyes. Music was our deepest common bond. Our relationship is steeped in it. Infused by the melodies and notes that play like the soundtrack of our lives. For me they still go hand in hand. The night he told me he wanted to be with me we both played at a house party. I'd opened for his band and that night they debuted their cover of INXS "Need You Tonight". As he sang he stared deep into my eyes without breaking his gaze, without even blinking it seemed. Later that night he told me he was enthralled by my performance and that every time he looked at me he wanted to hold me and never let me go. That was it. I was forever his.
One day, when I have more time, I'm going to do my best to make a soundtrack for our life. For our love. I feel so sad.