Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Can You See Me?

So, I got my hair cut today.  I'm growing it out and I needed her to clean it up so as it grows it looks alright.  I know I always say that and then it never gets past my chin before I chop it all off again.  I'm serious this time... though I can't make any promises.  I'm wearing your robe.  Even though I've washed it a handful of times it still smells like your office at the old house.

I'm looking lovelier each day.  My eyes have been brighter, my cheeks rosier.  I've lost 40lbs over the past year.  When you died I wore a size 24/26 and I'm into 18's now.  You'd be so happy to know that I've started to wear clothes that fit me.  Covering everything up in big, baggy clothes has been a hard habit to break.  I'm even rocking really form fitting clothes I would never have been caught dead in.  Finally, I am beginning to see myself as perfect exactly as I am.  I still have my struggles and yet I'm more at home in myself than I have ever been in my life.

It is so incredibly sad to be in this head-space without you here to see me grow.  You wanted this for me so badly.  You encouraged me and pushed me towards a greatness that I couldn't comprehend when you were alive.  Another big shift in my consciousness is dawning.  I am embracing what is so.  What is so is that I have fat rolls.  What is so is that I can work those fat rolls like nobody's business.  What is so is that I love myself enough to take care of this body; to nurture it and feed it with goodness.  What is so is that I am strong and capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Tears are filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks.  You would be so proud of me.  It kills me that I can't hear you say it.  I want you to know this new woman.  I want you to enjoy the harvest of all of the seeds that you planted.  I want you to enjoy this new body; to see it, to touch it, to savor it.  Every time I feel stronger I thank you for believing in me.  Help me feel your love again.  There is so much of it inside of me that is for you and you alone.  I do not believe it can ever leave me (nor do I want it to) though I hope, in time, that this love for you can be transformed into the brightest, purest light to shine forth from my heart out into the whole world.

I love you.

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