Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Can You See Me?

So, I got my hair cut today.  I'm growing it out and I needed her to clean it up so as it grows it looks alright.  I know I always say that and then it never gets past my chin before I chop it all off again.  I'm serious this time... though I can't make any promises.  I'm wearing your robe.  Even though I've washed it a handful of times it still smells like your office at the old house.

I'm looking lovelier each day.  My eyes have been brighter, my cheeks rosier.  I've lost 40lbs over the past year.  When you died I wore a size 24/26 and I'm into 18's now.  You'd be so happy to know that I've started to wear clothes that fit me.  Covering everything up in big, baggy clothes has been a hard habit to break.  I'm even rocking really form fitting clothes I would never have been caught dead in.  Finally, I am beginning to see myself as perfect exactly as I am.  I still have my struggles and yet I'm more at home in myself than I have ever been in my life.

It is so incredibly sad to be in this head-space without you here to see me grow.  You wanted this for me so badly.  You encouraged me and pushed me towards a greatness that I couldn't comprehend when you were alive.  Another big shift in my consciousness is dawning.  I am embracing what is so.  What is so is that I have fat rolls.  What is so is that I can work those fat rolls like nobody's business.  What is so is that I love myself enough to take care of this body; to nurture it and feed it with goodness.  What is so is that I am strong and capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Tears are filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks.  You would be so proud of me.  It kills me that I can't hear you say it.  I want you to know this new woman.  I want you to enjoy the harvest of all of the seeds that you planted.  I want you to enjoy this new body; to see it, to touch it, to savor it.  Every time I feel stronger I thank you for believing in me.  Help me feel your love again.  There is so much of it inside of me that is for you and you alone.  I do not believe it can ever leave me (nor do I want it to) though I hope, in time, that this love for you can be transformed into the brightest, purest light to shine forth from my heart out into the whole world.

I love you.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Music, You're My Constant Companion

I can't place the feeling I've been experiencing for the past week.  It feels like it may be somewhere between sadness and loneliness, though I'm not sure.  Maybe it's all the new music I've been listening to?  Not that the songs are particularly sad or depressing, just that they're new.  I miss listening to music with TJ on breezy summer nights like the ones we've been having.  I go through these periods quite often, though they seem to go away with the next sunrise.  This week, that's not the case.  Perhaps another shift is coming on.  These feelings of sadness and loneliness, almost hopelessness, usually precede another big evolution.

I haven't had much homework this week because one of my midterms was last week.  Maybe it's just that I've had more time to think about other things?  School work is so consuming I don't have much time to let my mind wander.  I've enjoyed this tiny break from the grind.  I've been able to go outside every day and lie under trees.  That's my favorite thing to do in summer; find a shady spot under a luscious, green tree.  Spreading out a soft blanket, kicking off my shoes, drinking in everything my eyes can see and my ears can hear.  It renews me like nothing else.  I lie on my back and watch the clouds go by, daydreaming about anything and everything.  Yesterday I decided to sing to myself.  I sat right on the edge of the clearing I'd found.  I spread my skirt out like a fan and started to sing a new song I love to the trees and birds around me.  I can't remember the last time I heard my own voice that way.  I forgot how beautiful it can be.  I'm usually singing along with the radio so I can barely hear myself anyway.  In college during my senior year I sang every week at The Main Squeeze.  I didn't always have accompaniment so most nights I'd just wing it solo.  Someone recorded me singing once and I barely recognized my own voice when I heard it again.  I need to start singing more often.  It brings me so much joy.

Tears are filling my eyes.  Music was our deepest common bond.  Our relationship is steeped in it.  Infused by the melodies and notes that play like the soundtrack of our lives.  For me they still go hand in hand.  The night he told me he wanted to be with me we both played at a house party.  I'd opened for his band and that night they debuted their cover of INXS "Need You Tonight".  As he sang he stared deep into my eyes without breaking his gaze, without even blinking it seemed.  Later that night he told me he was enthralled by my performance and that every time he looked at me he wanted to hold me and never let me go.  That was it.  I was forever his.

One day, when I have more time, I'm going to do my best to make a soundtrack for our life.  For our love.  I feel so sad

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Longing For My Beloved

I crawled into bed and turned off the lights.  Such an average occurrence, yet tonight I am reminded of a time when I could crawl into bed and curl up next to my beloved; could nestle my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm across his chest.  The warmth of him was unlike anything I've ever felt.  Sometimes I'd look up at him and we would talk, and sneak kisses, in the dark.  Other times I'd lie with my ear pressed to his skin and listen to his heart beating.  I never thought I'd have to spend a single night without that blessed ritual.

There is no getting used to him being gone.  My arms, they are empty.  My ears, they hear only the sound of my own breath.  My body, warmed only by the blankets that surround me.  My longing for him breaks my heart and soul over and over again.  My love for him knows no time.