Thursday, April 4, 2013

Memory Lapse

I woke up in the middle of the night last night.  I rolled over to face TJ's side of the bed and when I didn't see him there it dawned on me that he is dead.  How is it possible that I'd forgotten, even momentarily?  I curled into a ball and cried myself back to sleep.  It's been a while since I've had an episode like that.  It's so terrible.  I miss everything about him.  I miss his laugh, his lips, his touch, his talking with his mouth full... I don't want to do this without him.  I want my partner back.  I want my lover back.  I want my best friend back.  We were so good together.

Today I took my final written exam for point location.  I passed and I was so happy.  I want to share things like this with him.  I want to celebrate these small victories with my husband.  Where am I gonna go?  The cemetery?  I want to talk to him just one more time.  I want to tell him how much I love him and hear him say that to me, too.  I want to know if he's proud of me.  I want to know if he's safe.  I want to know if he's happy.  I want to hear him tell me that I'll be alright; that I won't have to do this alone.  That I will find partnership again. 

He is so amazing.  I miss being in his presence.  Being with him made me feel invincible; like nothing could touch us.  Everything was always just fine as long as I had him.  Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore...