In the past few weeks I’ve been dreaming about TJ so often. There were even three nights in a row that I dreamed of him. Each dream seemed to be so telling; a progression of sorts leading me to what? I don't know... Like he was ok and it was time to stop worrying about him. In one dream, I met him at our old home. The one we lived in the day that he died. I’d been invited by the new owners to have dinner there. When I arrived, TJ met me in the foyer. I knew instantly that he was dead and no one else could see him but me. He took me by the hand and he lead me through each room in silence. In my head I was saying goodbye to each room right along with him. When we got to the top of the basement stairs I looked down. The landing was filled with toys. I looked up at him and began to weep uncontrollably. He clutched me to his chest as I shook with tears. All I could think of was that this is what our home would look like if he had lived; filled with toys for our babies to play with. While he held me I felt his chin rest on the top of my head. I noticed that my hair started to feel wet, wet with his tears. He was mourning with me for the first time. We held each other and cried for all we had lost.
My life is so different from where I had expected it to be. I never would have imagined this new journey. Even with my positive growth, sometimes I still can’t believe he’s not here. I can’t believe we won’t have babies together. I can’t believe we won’t get old and gray together. I miss him so so much. My love for him knows no time. I ache for you, my dearest brightest love.