Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Challenge of Taking In and Letting Go

I've been floating between confidence and uneasiness all day.  My emotions seem to be at odds.  With TJ's anniversary coming up in under two weeks, coupled with all of the new feelings that have been awakening in me, I feel split in two.  However, I am not really split in two.  The feelings I am having are one me in two forms.  We ride parallel.  One road is grief.  The other, possibility.  I am completely unpracticed at navigating them both together, simultaneously.  I am confused.  Sad.  Excited.  I am feeling the tug of anticipation coming out from the center of my chest for what new and wonderful things lie ahead for me.  My heart is open for the first time in years.  And yet I am also feeling the tug of my past coming out from the pit of my gut to remind me where I've come from, of what I've been through.  I am a beginner at letting go.  Floating in the unknowing of this moment is unsettling.  I am unbalanced metal; open to receiving that life giving breath of new possibility, yet unable to let go of what no longer serves me.  I don't know what to let go of.  I can't let go of TJ.  Do I let go of my past life?  Do I give her a funeral and say goodbye to her?  I thought I already did that?  Didn't I?  I really don't know what to do.  Staying in this place of unknowing is a challenge and I must not rush this.  The answer will present itself in time.

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