Monday, February 25, 2013

Whenever I Want You All I Have To Do Is Dream

In the past few weeks I’ve been dreaming about TJ so often.  There were even three nights in a row that I dreamed of him.  Each dream seemed to be so telling; a progression of sorts leading me to what?  I don't know...  Like he was ok and it was time to stop worrying about him.  In one dream, I met him at our old home.  The one we lived in the day that he died.  I’d been invited by the new owners to have dinner there.  When I arrived, TJ met me in the foyer.  I knew instantly that he was dead and no one else could see him but me.  He took me by the hand and he lead me through each room in silence.  In my head I was saying goodbye to each room right along with him.  When we got to the top of the basement stairs I looked down.  The landing was filled with toys.  I looked up at him and began to weep uncontrollably.  He clutched me to his chest as I shook with tears.  All I could think of was that this is what our home would look like if he had lived; filled with toys for our babies to play with.  While he held me I felt his chin rest on the top of my head.  I noticed that my hair started to feel wet, wet with his tears.  He was mourning with me for the first time.  We held each other and cried for all we had lost.  

My life is so different from where I had expected it to be.  I never would have imagined this new journey.  Even with my positive growth,  sometimes I still can’t believe he’s not here.  I can’t believe we won’t have babies together.  I can’t believe we won’t get old and gray together.  I miss him so so much.  My love for him knows no time.  I ache for you, my dearest brightest love.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Challenge of Taking In and Letting Go

I've been floating between confidence and uneasiness all day.  My emotions seem to be at odds.  With TJ's anniversary coming up in under two weeks, coupled with all of the new feelings that have been awakening in me, I feel split in two.  However, I am not really split in two.  The feelings I am having are one me in two forms.  We ride parallel.  One road is grief.  The other, possibility.  I am completely unpracticed at navigating them both together, simultaneously.  I am confused.  Sad.  Excited.  I am feeling the tug of anticipation coming out from the center of my chest for what new and wonderful things lie ahead for me.  My heart is open for the first time in years.  And yet I am also feeling the tug of my past coming out from the pit of my gut to remind me where I've come from, of what I've been through.  I am a beginner at letting go.  Floating in the unknowing of this moment is unsettling.  I am unbalanced metal; open to receiving that life giving breath of new possibility, yet unable to let go of what no longer serves me.  I don't know what to let go of.  I can't let go of TJ.  Do I let go of my past life?  Do I give her a funeral and say goodbye to her?  I thought I already did that?  Didn't I?  I really don't know what to do.  Staying in this place of unknowing is a challenge and I must not rush this.  The answer will present itself in time.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

A Declaration

I am amazed by my evolution.  Life is showing up and I am more awake to it than ever!  I am where I am supposed to be right at this moment; I am in school, I am transforming emotionally at record speed.

Admittedly, I have been fighting this reawakening for a few months now.  And for the first time since I’ve felt them stirring just under the surface I want to let them bloom.  I, Courtney Anne Luck, am ready for whatever comes my way.  I was always so quick to be open to feelings of grief.  I never allowed myself to be that way surrounding joy.  The joys like the ones happening now with the budding of my self and my desires.  No more will I fight against what feels right and good.  I am the designer of life.

I have post-it notes plastered around my computer and desk area; things that say “Trust in the Universe… Just go with it!” “Be in the Unknowing” “Allow yourself to be tended to” and “The Universe!  It Knows!!”  I am alive.  I am flesh and blood and air; that heavenly qi coming into my lungs, that which animates me.  I can only act on what is so in this moment.  I cannot know what the future holds.  And I cannot let my fears of the “what if”s control what I do now.  Lao Tzu said “If you are depressed you are living in the past.  If you are anxious you are living in the future.  If you are at peace you are living in the present.”  I CHOOSE PEACE.