Sunday, January 27, 2013

More to Life

On Friday I heard some of the best news I've heard in ages.  I found out that my friend, who is also a widow, has a boyfriend.  She's overjoyed and filled with excitement.  I've been wrestling with my own thoughts on this subject and hearing her news gives me great hope.

I've noticed men since TJ has died.  Simply noticed if they were good looking.  It has only been in the past two months that I have contemplated relationship.  Last night, I was with some old friends of mine.  It felt so natural and fun.  When the heaviness crept in it was my teacher.  I realized that I don't want to be alone.  I feel more open to a well rounded life than ever.  I've talked so much about creating a full life.  I am doing what I am destined to do.  At this point in my personal healing process, I am reawakened.  There's more to life than this.  I am Fire.

The changes that have taken place in just the past 5 months are astounding.  I’m completely and totally fascinated how the passage of time has been exactly what it was supposed to be.  I don’t think I would be where I am today if I hadn’t done the things I’ve done; rested when I needed rest, explored when I needed to explore.   Though going forward is still fearful, I believe the feeling comes more from the courage it takes for me to do all of these things in spite of my grief.  Looking back, the first year after TJ died was incredibly slow.  I listened to my inner voice and hibernated; retreating to my cave to lick my wounds and recover.  I know now that this time of the year is the tipping point where the hibernation of winter and the burst of life into spring overlap.

This time last year I was waiting for something; I didn’t know what.  Now I can sit back and reflect.  This is the natural order of things.  I was doing exactly what needed to be done in order to be here now.  I feel a tingling of excitement in my belly for what a year from now will look like.   

Spring is coming.

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