Sunday, January 27, 2013

More to Life

On Friday I heard some of the best news I've heard in ages.  I found out that my friend, who is also a widow, has a boyfriend.  She's overjoyed and filled with excitement.  I've been wrestling with my own thoughts on this subject and hearing her news gives me great hope.

I've noticed men since TJ has died.  Simply noticed if they were good looking.  It has only been in the past two months that I have contemplated relationship.  Last night, I was with some old friends of mine.  It felt so natural and fun.  When the heaviness crept in it was my teacher.  I realized that I don't want to be alone.  I feel more open to a well rounded life than ever.  I've talked so much about creating a full life.  I am doing what I am destined to do.  At this point in my personal healing process, I am reawakened.  There's more to life than this.  I am Fire.

The changes that have taken place in just the past 5 months are astounding.  I’m completely and totally fascinated how the passage of time has been exactly what it was supposed to be.  I don’t think I would be where I am today if I hadn’t done the things I’ve done; rested when I needed rest, explored when I needed to explore.   Though going forward is still fearful, I believe the feeling comes more from the courage it takes for me to do all of these things in spite of my grief.  Looking back, the first year after TJ died was incredibly slow.  I listened to my inner voice and hibernated; retreating to my cave to lick my wounds and recover.  I know now that this time of the year is the tipping point where the hibernation of winter and the burst of life into spring overlap.

This time last year I was waiting for something; I didn’t know what.  Now I can sit back and reflect.  This is the natural order of things.  I was doing exactly what needed to be done in order to be here now.  I feel a tingling of excitement in my belly for what a year from now will look like.   

Spring is coming.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It's True

I feel like shit.
I feel sad and tired.
I feel overwhelmed by my biology homework.
I feel bored.
I feel like crying... so I will.

Crying is getting so fucking old.  I'm making new oceans in the world.

I want some excitement.
I want to have pleasant dreams tonight.
I want to never have to worry about money again.
I want to buy my own house.
I want to be able to live in the present moment at all times. 
I want to do well in biology.
I want to be a healthy weight.
I want to feel like a grown up again.
I want to let go of old habits that no longer serve me.
I want to be a mom.
I want to be able to wholly accept myself exactly as I am.

               More than anything in the world

I want to hear TJ tell me everything is going to be just fine.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Questions With No Anwers

Something is changing.  I'm constantly experiencing small shifts in consciousness.  Seeing life differently and feeling the evolution of grief.  Over the past few months, during my first trimester in school, the changes were more swift and more severe.  It has definitely been a good experience. 

The newest development, however, is terrifying.  Over the past month I have caught myself, almost daily, imagining my life with a partner.  I don't have anyone in particular in mind; I'm daydreaming of what my life will look like as one of the two in a partnership.  I was folding my laundry and putting it away this afternoon.  As I gently smoothed out the beautiful white and lavender fabric of a night gown, I thought about what it would look like to be wearing that in a new home.  I imagined myself floating out of the bedroom I share with my partner to make the mornings meal.  The fantasy is so much safer than reality (though I am stunned that I'm actually thinking this way at all, and so often, as of late).  I so loved being a wife.  I don't want to be alone forever.

All of these musings are quite harmless now.  They don't leave me feeling devastated like they used to.  My uneasiness comes from one simple question: Is this ability to imagine a life with a new partner any indication of being capable of accepting even an innocent date over coffee?  I can't even begin to answer that.  The thought of actually having to accept or decline an invitation from a man causes me to feel similar to experiencing the first huge plunge of a tall roller coaster; my breath gets caught in my chest and all of my organs feel like they're levitating.

It's pointless to get so worked up over something that hasn't happened.  And yet, ever since TJ died, I'm attempting to prepare myself for the unknown.  I'm finally learning that this is an impossible expectation.  Writing all of this down feels helpful.  It makes my thoughts more tangible so I can move them over, allowing for more space.  For the first time I believe I am able to embrace uncertainty.  And I have to remind myself constantly to be easy with myself.  I've never done this before.  I cannot expect to know how to do any of this.  Everything is fine.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be now.