I can feel it coming. The changes have been subtle and because of my new awareness of my senses it has finally registered. My experiences in school have changed my life. And it's only been a little over a month! I can only imagine the person I will be after three years of new beginnings.
I can feel TJ for the first time since his death. I was not sure if I would ever feel him again. I don't feel him in the sense that he is with me, or in the way it was when he was alive. I believe that through my efforts to make my life more full he is present through me. Since his death I have always felt the need to continue on to make him proud, to honor him. It wasn't until now that I understood that to honor him I must honor myself. I am him, he is me. We are one in the same.
The definition of death in the ancient Chinese culture is not when someone ceases to breathe, not when their heart stops beating, but when the last person says the name for the last time. Only then is there death. As long as I live I will be speaking his name. What a relief to know that I can live my life with him anew! Though I am bereft of him in his previous form, and forever shall be, I find this new awakening to his presence a small comfort. And I believe over time, with practice, I will develop this way of being more fully as I continue be open to nature. I recognize that this is not a cure-all. There is no changing the past. Life is movement and opposites are fact. An excess of one gives way to its partner and balance is restored. I believe I have reached my tipping point of sorrow and it now gives way to joy. And as the joy recedes, as all things do, I will use the knowledge that I have been given to create balance within myself. I will practice this every day of my life.
As I progress in school I am overwhelmed by this sense of belonging. Everyone around me and everything I hear speaks to me so deeply. It is a blessing I will never take for granted. I have been given a gift and I am in awe of that gift. My spirit is awakened. My body is alive. This moment in recognition of my life is a culmination of all of the pain, of all the heart ache, of all of the anger and fear, and all of the joy in my experiences with TJ. I will miss him always and I can have a full life with him in a different way.
In the presence of this gift of consciousness I am beginning to face my days with blessed anticipation. I am still here. I am important. I am worthy. My professor questions and we answer: "Who says?" -"I say!" "And who are you?" -"I am me!" When I say it matters, I feel him. Tears are pouring down my face; to be alive is truly amazing.