Sunday, October 7, 2012

Shift of Consciousness

I can feel it coming.  The changes have been subtle and because of my new awareness of my senses it has finally registered.  My experiences in school have changed my life.  And it's only been a little over a month!  I can only imagine the person I will be after three years of new beginnings.

I can feel TJ for the first time since his death.  I was not sure if I would ever feel him again.  I don't feel him in the sense that he is with me, or in the way it was when he was alive.  I believe that through my efforts to make my life more full he is present through me.  Since his death I have always felt the need to continue on to make him proud, to honor him.  It wasn't until now that I understood that to honor him I must honor myself.  I am him, he is me.  We are one in the same.

The definition of death in the ancient Chinese culture is not when someone ceases to breathe, not when their heart stops beating, but when the last person says the name for the last time.  Only then is there death.  As long as I live I will be speaking his name.  What a relief to know that I can live my life with him anew!  Though I am bereft of him in his previous form, and forever shall be, I find this new awakening to his presence a small comfort.  And I believe over time, with practice, I will develop this way of being more fully as I continue be open to nature.  I recognize that this is not a cure-all.  There is no changing the past.  Life is movement and opposites are fact.  An excess of one gives way to its partner and balance is restored.  I believe I have reached my tipping point of sorrow and it now gives way to joy.  And as the joy recedes, as all things do, I will use the knowledge that I have been given to create balance within myself.  I will practice this every day of my life.

As I progress in school I am overwhelmed by this sense of belonging.  Everyone around me and everything I hear speaks to me so deeply.  It is a blessing I will never take for granted.  I have been given a gift and I am in awe of that gift.  My spirit is awakened.  My body is alive.  This moment in recognition of my life is a culmination of all of the pain, of all the heart ache, of all of the anger and fear, and all of the joy in my experiences with TJ.  I will miss him always and I can have a full life with him in a different way.

In the presence of this gift of consciousness I am beginning to face my days with blessed anticipation.  I am still here.  I am important.  I am worthy.  My professor questions and we answer: "Who says?"  -"I say!"  "And who are you?"  -"I am me!"  When I say it matters, I feel him.  Tears are pouring down my face; to be alive is truly amazing.


  1. Incredible, incredible, incredible. You are amazing. xoxo

  2. On the 22 September 2012 I lost the great love of my life to a sudden massive heart attack. He had no prior symptoms and in fact we all thought he was in perfect health for his age. I have been reading your early blog entries this evening, and to be perfectly honest I am horrified at what is in front of me. I am "fortunate"; I don't have the legal stuff to go through that you had (the story to explain that is too long). But the emotional stuff is just the same. Your words speak to me so deeply! I had no idea I could produce so many tears, so large! They just roll down my face. We were only allowed four and a half precious years together. This latest entry of yours gives me a small ray of hope, but to know that I have at least a year before I get there is just so hard! I don't think I have the strength that you do. Major kudos for getting to this point.

    1. I am overjoyed that you reached out to me by commenting on my blog. My heart is with you and I am so humbled by your response. It is amazing what we can accomplish to survive; the strength is in us already. You have given ME strength with your candor. Today is 1 year and 8 months. I saw this email on my phone while I was at my husband's grave this afternoon. Seeing that what I have gone through and am going through might help someone else was the biggest gift. This is a tragic situation to be in and if had to choose one thing to share with you it would be that grief can not hurt you. Holding back your grief can. Allow it to move through you. I know that it's a terrifying thought. And being with your grief will help you to take care of yourself. You are so very important, love. If ever you want to talk please please feel free to email me at I would be honored to be a sounding board. All my love to you, beloved.