Monday, September 24, 2012

The Second Time

It’s our anniversary today.  This morning I didn’t know if I would be able to get out of bed.  It wasn’t until 10am that I was able to throw the covers off and put my feet onto the floor.  I checked my school email and completed one of my homework assignments.  Google helped me find some local public gardens so I could see where I might like to end up today.  Brookside Gardens in Wheaton won out.  TJ and I had been there before for a friend’s wedding but hadn’t had time to fully enjoy the area.  I spent over an hour just walking around when I first arrived.  The plants, the views… I couldn’t stop taking pictures.  Once I’d taken everything in I found a nice shady spot to set up my blanket.  I ate the snack I’d prepared and got out my school books.  Studying anatomy outside has been really productive.  I find I have no distractions if I’m out of the house.  It’s going to be a good way to continue this learning process...

All day long I kept waiting to feel crushed.  I felt strange emotions while I was out today.  A mixture of gratitude that I am alive and sadness that TJ isn’t.  I’m not sure if he’d ever have indulged me as I indulged myself today.  It was so hard for him to be outside with his allergies and asthma.  It’s not that he didn’t appreciate nature, but that it was more trouble for him that it was worth.  A friend in my classes said that he came to her.  He told her that he wanted to meet me in a garden.  That’s why I went out today.  I didn’t go because I thought I would see him or feel him.  I went because it’s my turn to tend to myself.  Maybe he needed me to appreciate the beauty of nature for him.  I miss him so much.  I was preoccupied today; in awe of everything around me as well as the intensity of my studies.  This moment is the first I have had today where I am able to process the feeling of loss.  It hovered at the surface all day long.  I couldn’t seem to let myself go there.  I’ve cried today.  Cried in the gardens.  Cried on my blanket while I studied.  Cried in the car on the way home.  Cried over dinner.  Crying now as I write.  Even still, the day has not felt like a total loss.  I am still amazed that I was able to study and actually comprehend what I was working on.  That I was able to appreciate life in the growth all around me.  There is no greater reminder that I should be here on this earth than spending the day in such a luscious garden.  Maybe that's what he meant when he spoke to my friend.  He wanted me to be reminded of how amazing life is.  To that I say "I hear you, baby".  I experienced life today in everything I saw, touched, smelled, tasted, and heard.  I am here for me.  I am here for you.  I carry you with me always in my heart.  Thank you for showing me the way.

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