Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Beginning

I haven't written in a while now.  This week marks the third week into my Master's program.  I've already decided to switch tracks; I can't seem to get enough, I want it all.  I'll be getting a Master's in Oriental Medicine.  This will allow me to be a licensed acupuncturist as well as a licensed Chinese herbalist.  It's a lot to take in.  This is a whole new way of being and I am practicing diligently.  The first two week intensive was like group therapy.  Learning to process and move through life as it is.  Life is movement, after all.  It doesn't stop.  Not for anyone or any thing.  I've been practicing being present, living in the moment.  Using my senses to observe my surroundings and to be more in touch with my body.  Practicing Qi Gong has been an amazing way to tap into that.  Noticing what's going on inside me, where I feel pain, how I can relax it.  I haven't skipped a day of practice since I first experienced it two and a half weeks ago.  Feeling the heat of the qi as it moves with my forms.  Allowing myself to touch all the parts of my body that make me me.  I am starting to reacquaint myself with my belly.  I never really touched my stomach.  I wanted to pretend that it wasn't there.  TJ always loved my body.  I remember he'd rest his hand right on my belly.  It was the only time I can remember really focusing on the sensation of touch in that area.  Now I find myself touching, appreciating the feel of it.  My professors say that we are all perfect exactly how we are.  Right in this moment I am perfect.  I am me.

I'm totally a beginner at practicing the concept of "upset is optional".  Our wedding anniversary is Monday.  I find it difficult to remain objective about this source of upset.  I am working at not expecting anything.  Whether it be good or bad, it merely is.  There is no changing it.  These new exercises are hard work.  And I crave peace.  Old habits bubble up and when they do, I hear my professor's voice murmur in my head "just kiss them and scoot them over".

My regularly scheduled classes start up on Thursday.  It almost feels like I'm starting over with the first day of school.  I got so used to the routine of the daily intensives and now it's changing again.  Our first class, though, is with the professors that taught during the first two weeks and that is comforting.  Starting with them is what I know.  It will be good.

My new life has begun.  I am living it right here and now.  I "peaced out" my room with positive notes, Buddhist prayer flags, and a chime that hangs from my ceiling.  I've had good dreams ever since I put a string of the prayer flags over my bed.  Dreams of self awareness, of feeling desirable and coveted.  It's a new experience for me to believe that I am perfect exactly as I am.  I know I'm working towards a healthier life in all ways.  I can not discount the progress I have made.  No more "if I had this, then I'd be that".  I hope this budding self awareness allows me to be unconcerned with small minded things.  To eventually be rid of the labels I have given myself and been given by others.  I am me, and you are you.  We are all living the best way we know how.  We are all beginners.  There is no right or wrong way to be.  I have felt separate for a long time.  I can feel that changing ever so slightly each day I practice in observance.  This knowledge is freeing.  I will continue to open myself up to new ways of being.  The process will be long and arduous, and progressing is key.  It doesn't matter how long it takes for me to learn.  What matters is that I keep it moving.  I know now that there is no arrival to any one point.  Life is constant movement.  Diane Connelly says "The object of the dance is not to get to the other side of the room.  It is to remain in the circle and continue to dance."  I can never stop moving.  This is something that I always knew.  Having context to practice this in creates new meaning to what I am doing.  For the sake of TJ, I will practice.  I will savor the awe of life for him.  And through him I will be nourished.

1 comment:

  1. Courtney - all I can say is you AMAZE me! You are an incredible woman and I am so proud of you. I am so blessed to have you in my family. I love you with all my heart!