Saturday, September 1, 2012

Countdown


I find myself trying to empty my mind of all thought.  I'm afraid that I will get too carried away with fear and loss if I don’t.  Knowing school is starting in just two days from now, and starting the day after the year and a half mark for TJ… it’s too much.  I focused on TJ hard last night while lying in bed.  Just before I fell asleep I burst into tears.  Covering my face and moaning in pain.  I never thought I’d live this long.  That life would get this far after his death.  I am shocked by it.  Shocked that I have gotten out of bed for the last 546 days.  And to have not only gotten out of bed but experienced so much change, so much growth.  Yet I feel no where, still.
During this holiday weekend, I have envied people who are normal.  Who are thankful for the break from their 9-5, taking short trips to the beach for one last summer getaway.  Envious of those that are seeing these three days as nothing but relaxation and a break from the daily grind.  For me it is a countdown.  A dreadful explosion which is imminent, but I have no idea how to disarm.  I really don’t know if I can do this.  How will I live through this one?  I’m not excited in the least.  This is just another thing to get through.  Another chore to take care of.  It doesn’t matter if I find joy in it because there is no other choice.  This is something that I have to do, and I do so reluctantly.  All of the positive decisions bringing me to this point have lost their luster.    I am a robot following pre-programmed instructions.  There is no abort code to implement.  I do not wish to feel so lifeless at a time like this.  But that is exactly what I am.  I pray it doesn’t last.  I don’t want to be numb to the future ahead.  I don’t want to feel indifference in every thought.  I want passion to come into me.  I want to feel good again.  I want to be normal again.  I am “other” trying to blend in.  Why do I feel like this is the end?

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