Monday, August 6, 2012

The Fading Echo

I had a total melt down today.  I told my mother and father that in just a few weeks my whole world will change.  I’m afraid to start school because I’m not ready to let go of him.  Not that I have to forget him, but that I have to let go of the fantasy.  Going to school means that I am actively seeking a new life.  A life that he will never be part of.  I got a taste of it when I started working a new job, but this is so much bigger than that.  I can deny the changes that have come thus far, but this is an acceptance that I’m not ready to grant.  The memories I have almost feel like a movie.  Like I’m recalling something I’ve seen on the screen and not something that was actually my life.  I can’t remember what it felt like to be kissed.  I can’t remember what it felt like to sit together on the couch.  I can’t believe we used to fit in the same bed comfortably together now that I’ve been in it alone for 17 months.  The more time that passes, the farther I feel from him.  It’s a fear of mine that as soon as school starts I will be catapulted so far from him that I will no longer be able to orient myself.  At least with loss I've had that to cling to.  Studies will inevitably take priority, but grief is all I have known for what seems like forever.  How will I handle juggling my emotions and the responsibility and brain power school will require?  I won’t know until I try.  Waiting is the scariest part.  All of the “what if”s and the fear of saying goodbye to the old me.  I really am starting over, and it fucking sucks.  I don’t want this.  I don’t want to have to do any of this.  I just want him back.  And that will never happen.  On the contrary, I’ll be so far beyond where he was with me in life.  So far that I’ll feel more and more detached from what life used to be.  I hate that this is happening.  I hate feeling disconnected from him.  I hate feeling like my memories aren’t my own.  I genuinely can’t remember what it felt like to be with him; to be his wife and daily company.  I know what is in my mind, but I can’t feel it anymore.  And it’s only going to get worse, the unfeeling.  I do not want to be deadened to his presence, but it has come.  What I have now is a mere echo that will eventually fade into silence.  I can’t stand the thought of it.  I want to scramble backwards to him.  It seems so much easier to stay here with him than move forward alone.  But the memories just aren't enough to sustain me.  I go through the motions, I push myself towards my goals, but my insides are still in denial.  The axe of reality is coming down swiftly.  And with a stinging pain it will sever everything I have known of life until now.

I wait with bated breath for the end and for the beginning.

1 comment:

  1. I love you so much. Someone once told me feelings aren't facts. Maybe that means that starting something new doesn't mean that you are leaving him. He isn't present in the physical context, but he is in your heart. So he is with you. You carry his beautiful heart in your beautiful heart. Try not to get marred in the guilt...I know he's in heaven with Grandpa and they couldn't be more proud of you. ♥