Thursday, July 5, 2012

Representation

I've been having this terrible dilemma with my rings.  I went without them for almost three months between January 1 and March 3.  I put them back on because I needed them when his anniversary was looming.  I took them back off last month.  Then woke up in a panic two weeks ago because I didn't have them on.  So, I put them back on for two weeks and then took them back off yesterday.  This morning, I only put TJ's back on.

I feel the most torn about my wedding band.  I feel like a fraud because that's not who I am anymore.  I feel like an impostor when I wear it.  Maybe if it fit another finger and I could wear it elsewhere I would feel better about it?  I have no idea.  TJ will always be my husband, but I am no longer an active duty wife (if that makes sense).  I feel like I am misrepresenting myself to the world.  Perhaps it's also because I feel my life is so very different from when I was a wife.  I am alone.  I am starting over.  My life has changed so much from that which I had before, wearing my ring doesn't seem to fit who I am now.

There seems to be a difference between wearing mine vs wearing his.  Wearing his is more anonymous.  No one knows it's a wedding band when it only fits my right pointer finger.  It's like my own little secret.  It's so much more than a ring, but Joe Public has no idea how important it really is.  That wearing it reminds me of him; that I find comfort in it.  But wearing mine reminds me of the life I used to have.  The life I don't have anymore.  The life I can't have in the future.  It's become very painful to see it gleaming on my finger.  And yet I feel so naked without it.

It's awful to have these feelings.  To both cherish and abhor something so precious to me.  To love what it represents, but hate that what it represents is no longer a reality for me.  I wonder how much longer this on again/off again routine will last?

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