Friday, July 13, 2012

For TJ

I received my class schedule in the mail yesterday.  I am still stunned that school is a reality now.  I obviously never thought I’d figure things out so quickly.  It’s really amazing that I am finding myself.  But then again, it’s not so surprising.  I have worked tirelessly to get to where I am right now.  I have poured an insane amount of energy into pushing myself forward no matter what my heart was screaming at me.  My mother and I had a long conversation a couple of days ago.  I told her that TJ prepared me for this life.  Not preparation for his death or the thereafter, but the planting of seeds.  Encouraging me to be the independent, self assured woman that he knew I could be.  When he would tell me what he saw in me, when he told me he knew I was capable of greatness, it was not always easy to hear.  At times, I felt insecure.  I would always listen and try to absorb his words, but I couldn’t help wondering if he found me lacking.  He was always learning something new; he worked so hard always to become a better man.  I realize now that he was trying to show me the way.  That when I was ready to make changes, I had all of the power within myself to make them happen.  

He never could have imagined he was preparing me for a life without him in it.  But I am so proud of him.  I am in awe of him.  He had such wisdom.  Such foresight.  When I am saddened by the fact that he won’t know this woman I have become, it gives me pause.  I still want to show him.  I still want to say “hey, baby!  See, I’m doing it!”  To see him smile knowingly at me, with that “I told you so” expression on his beautiful face.  But when I think he won’t know this woman, I realize that maybe he already did.  He saw her in me long before I made these strides.  It’s just that I didn’t know her yet.  I feel at home within myself.  I am confident and sure of this path I have chosen.  TJ lead by example.  I watched him learn and grow.  I saw him strive to be better and better.  I put him on a pedestal, not ever realizing that I could be on his level.  I feel that I am there now.  I just wish to God he was standing next to me, holding my hand.  I miss him so fucking much.  All of this self awareness just makes me want him more.  I feel like I am finally his equal.  I only wish he had lived to see me come into my own.  I yearn for his approval, for his support, for his unconditional love.  I imagine he’d even want to give me a boost so that my pedestal was higher.  

TJ, my love, thank you for always believing in me.  For loving me and wanting more for me even when I didn’t see it for myself.  All I do, I do for us.  I will live my life the way you taught me.  I will be forever grateful for your love and your infinite wisdom.

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