Thursday, June 14, 2012

Low


I feel so off.  I feel blank.  Like my facial expressions are non existent.  I am deadpan today.  It started as soon as I woke up.  I sat listening to music I hadn’t heard in a while.  I sat on my couch in the sun and stared at TJ’s picture.  For hours I did this.  Finally, I got myself together.  Showered, cleaned, sat outside and read.  But as the day wore on, the more sad I became.  My family leaves in the morning for eleven days at the beach house.  Normally, I’d be so thrilled to be alone, but I’m so lonely already.  TJ should be here.  I shouldn't ever have to be alone.  I found myself crying each time I looked at his picture today.  How happy we were.  How much I miss his lips.  My sister and I ran an errand very late tonight and all I could think was “TJ would really have liked Skrillex” as we blasted the radio.  I hate that I have those thoughts.  I hate thinking all of the time about moments he is missing.  Thinking about how happy I was riding with the windows down, my baby sister in the passenger seat.  And then feeling immensely sad knowing I would never get the chance to tell him about how silly she’d been.  Riding with her as she donned my big sunglasses at night, dancing like a maniac.

I’ll have all of this time alone and yet I feel I may despair.  I already have no desire to go out, to make plans.  I want to sit and be thoughtful.  I miss it.  Since I’ve been working again, I’m feeling the stress of not being able to feel what I need to feel at any given moment.  I’m trying to learn to address my emotions, but when they must be put off, delayed, it compounds things.  And when I finally have time to think, my day ends up like this one.  Filled with longing and sadness.  Total unrest on what should have been a restful and relaxing day.  I miss him so much.  I feel it all the way down to my bones.  I need him.  I will always need him.  I would give anything to be able to wrap my arms around him once more.  To press my lips to his.  To hear his deep, soothing voice at my ear.  I need my husband.  Days like today make me wonder if I’ll ever be right again.  Because it seems no matter how much time has passed, no matter what new and exciting things I do, I always feel like I'm falling short.  I always miss TJ.  I always beg for him.  Always ask why.

I feel so much pain all the time.  I hate masking it.  I long for the days when I could give in to it.  Let it wash over me.  To have it ebb and flow.  That feels natural.  It seems now that I no longer have that freedom, the emotions are constantly simmering below the surface, threatening to boil over at inopportune times.  I want to let go.  I need to let go.  I crave peace, but all I feel is unrest.

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