Friday, June 15, 2012

If I Could Turn Back Time

Today was hell.  It started off nice enough.  I woke long before my alarm, finished the book I was reading.  As soon as I got to work, I lost all composure.  I saw my schedule was free for several days and decided I should join my family in North Carolina.  I needed to call the doctor to set up my appointment for my testing required for school.  I did all of this in about 5 minutes before my shift started.  Once I got settled at my register I flipped.  I felt the panic begin to rise, and not slowly.  I ended up telling my coworker that I had to go for a second and rushed to the bathroom.  I stood there and cried.  For how long, I don’t really know.  When I felt I could emerge and be relatively ok, I did.  But about 20 minutes later I broke again.  This time, as I rushed for the privacy of the bathroom yet again, I sobbed.  My shoulders shook and I had to prop myself against the wall to stay on my feet.  Just when I thought I’d finished crying, I knelt to change the empty toilet paper roll I saw.  As I began to work at removing the card board tube, I burst into fresh, angry tears.  I said aloud “too much responsibility- this fucking job, everything!”  I was exploding with turmoil.  It roiled inside of me for hours and hours.  I found myself wishing desperately that I could go back.  To go back to last summer when I was able to quit my job and go to the beach as often as I liked.  When I was able to choose to stay in bed or get up.  Everything is far too normal now.  I loathe it.  I have a terrible time making decisions.  I’m always so afraid I’ll make the wrong choice.  I don’t want to regret.  My time is too precious to me to waste on the wrong move.  I have to be so careful.  It’s overwhelming and exhausting.  When I got home from work, I called my parents.  We spoke for over an hour as I hemmed and hawed over what to do.  And then I gave up my fight.  I wept into the receiver.  Wept for TJ.  Wept for this shit predicament I’m left with.  Nothing is good enough.  I hate living without him.  I can’t fucking stand it.  After we hung up I groaned, allowing myself to let all of the sadness out.  I dropped my head to my hands and asked why.  Told TJ I couldn’t do this anymore.  Told TJ how much I love him.  Told him that I love him so much I ache.  The pain is just too great to bear sometimes.  Days like this make me wonder how much more I can take…

1 comment:

  1. Everyone is full of doubt about making the wrong decisions. It's never easy, we all second-guess ourselves and fret and worry about what we "should" do. You have to do for you. Your master's program is a worthwhile risk for you to do something that makes you feel good and to help people. You're a caring, helping person. You can do this. Everything you do is an honor to TJ and his memory.