Monday, June 4, 2012

Evolution Schmevolution

My feelings as of late are laden with indifference.  I went to work today.  Just another day.  Luckily it went by quickly.  But I found myself thinking as I was walking my drawer back to count out "I could keep doing this".  I'm not sure where it came from.  It's been hard to visualize the future lately.  The longer I wait for word on the Master's program, the more indifferent I feel.  I can't exactly envision anything other than what I'm doing at this moment in time.  Not when I'm so unsure of my standings for school.  I was so pumped up about it, but now I feel pretty meh.  I know it's still what I want, but this waiting game is plucking at my insecurities.

If I really sit back and think about my daily life, it's uneventful and bland.  I haven't had a real meltdown since my last blog post.  Sometimes I wish for extremes like that.  This robotic existence is almost worse.  I cry for TJ; hell, I cry daily for him still.  But it's been too long since I've felt emotions that are earth shattering, that are mind altering.  I've always put so much importance on my emotions and thoughts.  It seems like my sensor is broken.  I can no longer compute.  I can only rely on autopilot to get me through the hours.  It's unsettling.  It's unlike me.  It makes me wonder if I've used up my ability to feel strongly.  Lately, I just feel sad and mopey.  Trudging through the days with my head down.  Christ!  Just a few days ago I wore the dress I wore only once for TJ's wake.  I put it on and didn't cry.  I remember hanging it up on my closet door, gliding my hands over the fabric.  I took a deep breath and unhooked the straps from the hanger.  As I slipped it on it didn't feel right, but it didn't feel wrong either.  I only choked up when my sister in law noticed and she asked me how I was doing.  I was surprisingly rational when I decided to put that dress on again.  Thinking about it now I'm getting teary, wishing I had freaked out and put it back in my closet.  I can't believe I was okay with wearing that dress again!  These slight shifts in consciousness alarm me.  It seems as though I'm forming yet another link in the evolutionary chain.  I hate it.  Give me what I know.  The pain, the sadness, the tightness in my chest.  I don't know if I can bare this distance I feel growing between TJ and I.  The more time that passes, the more I forget what our life was like.  I get so angry because it feels like I'm losing him again.  When these little moments crop up and don't affect me as I think they will, it's like I'm being pulled farther and farther away from him.  These moments of realization; that I'm perceiving things differently, make me want to scream out, throw myself to the ground in a pile of tears, and claw my way back to my husband and the life that I once knew. 

Evolution is the natural order of things; I want to reject it.  It brings with it a new kind of pain.  I am utterly unprepared for it's effects and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

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