Friday, June 15, 2012

If I Could Turn Back Time

Today was hell.  It started off nice enough.  I woke long before my alarm, finished the book I was reading.  As soon as I got to work, I lost all composure.  I saw my schedule was free for several days and decided I should join my family in North Carolina.  I needed to call the doctor to set up my appointment for my testing required for school.  I did all of this in about 5 minutes before my shift started.  Once I got settled at my register I flipped.  I felt the panic begin to rise, and not slowly.  I ended up telling my coworker that I had to go for a second and rushed to the bathroom.  I stood there and cried.  For how long, I don’t really know.  When I felt I could emerge and be relatively ok, I did.  But about 20 minutes later I broke again.  This time, as I rushed for the privacy of the bathroom yet again, I sobbed.  My shoulders shook and I had to prop myself against the wall to stay on my feet.  Just when I thought I’d finished crying, I knelt to change the empty toilet paper roll I saw.  As I began to work at removing the card board tube, I burst into fresh, angry tears.  I said aloud “too much responsibility- this fucking job, everything!”  I was exploding with turmoil.  It roiled inside of me for hours and hours.  I found myself wishing desperately that I could go back.  To go back to last summer when I was able to quit my job and go to the beach as often as I liked.  When I was able to choose to stay in bed or get up.  Everything is far too normal now.  I loathe it.  I have a terrible time making decisions.  I’m always so afraid I’ll make the wrong choice.  I don’t want to regret.  My time is too precious to me to waste on the wrong move.  I have to be so careful.  It’s overwhelming and exhausting.  When I got home from work, I called my parents.  We spoke for over an hour as I hemmed and hawed over what to do.  And then I gave up my fight.  I wept into the receiver.  Wept for TJ.  Wept for this shit predicament I’m left with.  Nothing is good enough.  I hate living without him.  I can’t fucking stand it.  After we hung up I groaned, allowing myself to let all of the sadness out.  I dropped my head to my hands and asked why.  Told TJ I couldn’t do this anymore.  Told TJ how much I love him.  Told him that I love him so much I ache.  The pain is just too great to bear sometimes.  Days like this make me wonder how much more I can take…

Thursday, June 14, 2012


I feel so off.  I feel blank.  Like my facial expressions are non existent.  I am deadpan today.  It started as soon as I woke up.  I sat listening to music I hadn’t heard in a while.  I sat on my couch in the sun and stared at TJ’s picture.  For hours I did this.  Finally, I got myself together.  Showered, cleaned, sat outside and read.  But as the day wore on, the more sad I became.  My family leaves in the morning for eleven days at the beach house.  Normally, I’d be so thrilled to be alone, but I’m so lonely already.  TJ should be here.  I shouldn't ever have to be alone.  I found myself crying each time I looked at his picture today.  How happy we were.  How much I miss his lips.  My sister and I ran an errand very late tonight and all I could think was “TJ would really have liked Skrillex” as we blasted the radio.  I hate that I have those thoughts.  I hate thinking all of the time about moments he is missing.  Thinking about how happy I was riding with the windows down, my baby sister in the passenger seat.  And then feeling immensely sad knowing I would never get the chance to tell him about how silly she’d been.  Riding with her as she donned my big sunglasses at night, dancing like a maniac.

I’ll have all of this time alone and yet I feel I may despair.  I already have no desire to go out, to make plans.  I want to sit and be thoughtful.  I miss it.  Since I’ve been working again, I’m feeling the stress of not being able to feel what I need to feel at any given moment.  I’m trying to learn to address my emotions, but when they must be put off, delayed, it compounds things.  And when I finally have time to think, my day ends up like this one.  Filled with longing and sadness.  Total unrest on what should have been a restful and relaxing day.  I miss him so much.  I feel it all the way down to my bones.  I need him.  I will always need him.  I would give anything to be able to wrap my arms around him once more.  To press my lips to his.  To hear his deep, soothing voice at my ear.  I need my husband.  Days like today make me wonder if I’ll ever be right again.  Because it seems no matter how much time has passed, no matter what new and exciting things I do, I always feel like I'm falling short.  I always miss TJ.  I always beg for him.  Always ask why.

I feel so much pain all the time.  I hate masking it.  I long for the days when I could give in to it.  Let it wash over me.  To have it ebb and flow.  That feels natural.  It seems now that I no longer have that freedom, the emotions are constantly simmering below the surface, threatening to boil over at inopportune times.  I want to let go.  I need to let go.  I crave peace, but all I feel is unrest.

Friday, June 8, 2012

That Letter Packs a Punch

Today, I received my acceptance letter for the Masters of Acupuncture program at Tai Sophia Institute.  About a year ago, I began to recognize that I would need to create something new for myself.  To finally take care of myself and “enrich my life” as a woman.  The fact that my dreams came true today is remarkable.  What I have accomplished in these 15 months is so much more than I could have ever expected.  I have mourned, and continue to mourn.  I have traveled and have new destinations in mind.  I have listened to my heart and created goals to make my future one I want to run towards.  And today, all of my perseverance has led me to my new reality.

When I saw that envelope in the pile of junk mail I held my breath.  I picked up the letter delicately and walked slowly through the kitchen to sit on the couch in the living room.  As I sat, I took a deep breath and stared for a while at my name.  Slowly, I pulled open the flap to reveal the packet inside.  The letter wasn’t right on top, so I had to dig a little to get there.  As soon as I saw the bold “congratulations!” I sunk back in my seat.  I read the letter slowly to absorb the contents and then I waited for the joy to overwhelm me.  Instead, the pain assailed my consciousness.  I cried and shook.  I thought about how, if TJ were here, he would take me out to celebrate.  I thought about how this acceptance letter was another stark reminder of TJ’s absence.  A reminder that this is all just a way to make do with the life that I have now.  Yes, school is what I want and welcome into my life.  This future I have chosen for myself is one I am so proud of, and have taken great pains to discover and make a reality.  But I can’t help that I am constantly reminded of the loss I must endure.  No matter my accomplishments and progress, will I always feel this way?  That nothing will ever be as good as what TJ and I could have had together?  I feel so sad that thoughts like this could taint my otherwise pure satisfaction.  I work too hard to let my past life projections overshadow my happiness.

Today I made a choice.  I realized that this is not the first milestone that has left me in tears or without breath in my lungs.  And it will not be the last.  I look ahead to my first day of class, to my graduation, to the grand opening of my practice.  Those will be days of immense pride and joy.  But I’d be a fool to think that they wouldn’t be bittersweet.  But bittersweet is all that I will allow.  I refuse to let my grief suck out the pleasure in these moments.  The pleasure and the pain will have to learn to live together somehow.  Over time, I hope to figure out a way to balance them more evenly.  I know that I will forever experience these strong reactions.  TJ is too much a part of who I am to not feel the void his death leaves inside me.  However, I hope to use all that I have learned from him to make my life, my future, one we can both deem gratifying.  He would want me to be both contented and peacefully satisfied; I aim for those qualities and more.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Evolution Schmevolution

My feelings as of late are laden with indifference.  I went to work today.  Just another day.  Luckily it went by quickly.  But I found myself thinking as I was walking my drawer back to count out "I could keep doing this".  I'm not sure where it came from.  It's been hard to visualize the future lately.  The longer I wait for word on the Master's program, the more indifferent I feel.  I can't exactly envision anything other than what I'm doing at this moment in time.  Not when I'm so unsure of my standings for school.  I was so pumped up about it, but now I feel pretty meh.  I know it's still what I want, but this waiting game is plucking at my insecurities.

If I really sit back and think about my daily life, it's uneventful and bland.  I haven't had a real meltdown since my last blog post.  Sometimes I wish for extremes like that.  This robotic existence is almost worse.  I cry for TJ; hell, I cry daily for him still.  But it's been too long since I've felt emotions that are earth shattering, that are mind altering.  I've always put so much importance on my emotions and thoughts.  It seems like my sensor is broken.  I can no longer compute.  I can only rely on autopilot to get me through the hours.  It's unsettling.  It's unlike me.  It makes me wonder if I've used up my ability to feel strongly.  Lately, I just feel sad and mopey.  Trudging through the days with my head down.  Christ!  Just a few days ago I wore the dress I wore only once for TJ's wake.  I put it on and didn't cry.  I remember hanging it up on my closet door, gliding my hands over the fabric.  I took a deep breath and unhooked the straps from the hanger.  As I slipped it on it didn't feel right, but it didn't feel wrong either.  I only choked up when my sister in law noticed and she asked me how I was doing.  I was surprisingly rational when I decided to put that dress on again.  Thinking about it now I'm getting teary, wishing I had freaked out and put it back in my closet.  I can't believe I was okay with wearing that dress again!  These slight shifts in consciousness alarm me.  It seems as though I'm forming yet another link in the evolutionary chain.  I hate it.  Give me what I know.  The pain, the sadness, the tightness in my chest.  I don't know if I can bare this distance I feel growing between TJ and I.  The more time that passes, the more I forget what our life was like.  I get so angry because it feels like I'm losing him again.  When these little moments crop up and don't affect me as I think they will, it's like I'm being pulled farther and farther away from him.  These moments of realization; that I'm perceiving things differently, make me want to scream out, throw myself to the ground in a pile of tears, and claw my way back to my husband and the life that I once knew. 

Evolution is the natural order of things; I want to reject it.  It brings with it a new kind of pain.  I am utterly unprepared for it's effects and there isn't a thing I can do about it.