Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Stuff of Nightmares

Nightmares about TJ upset me so much it makes my skin crawl.  When I think about them, I want to bash my head into a wall over and over.  Knock the images and feelings right out of me.  They create so much doubt in me, in us.  I find myself asking him "Do you still love me?"  I beg him to stop them.  And still they come.

The more I allow those visions to occupy my mind, the more darkness grows inside of me.  As if a gate were opened, allowing fear to flow freely into the center of me.  I have this mental image I can not shake.  When I doubt him, I doubt all.  I envision myself standing with arms outstretched, head thrown back screaming as swirling gray clouds flow into my open chest.  I imagine that, as the stream flows inside, it causes my body to grow in size and length.  I can almost hear my snarls trying to fight it.  It turns my mind inside out and makes my chest ache.  I feel like a monster.  As if I have to change shape just to accommodate the growing disquiet. 

It makes matters so much worse because I can't remember what it feels like to have his love.  So each time there is any other notion placed as seed in my brain, the harder it is to discredit it.  I want what I had.  With each moment that passes I get farther and farther from it.  Even the memories don't feel like my own anymore.  I want to fight this, but I can't fight something that I can not anticipate.

1 comment:

  1. This is so hard. In the world of psychology and thanatology, nightmares after loss often occur and seem to be a way for the mind and spirit to "decathect", to divest the emotional energy one has in the person. The love and relationship you and TJ had were truly remarkable, and you often heard that from close friends and family, they "wanted to be like Courtney and TJ". I imagine it will take many, many nightmares for your mind, body, and spirit to wrap themselves around the understanding that he isn't physically with you any longer. But read those love letters he has sent over the 12 years together, emails he sent from work, the handmade cards and letters he has sent you at college. Spend at least as much time remembering those as you do thinking about the nightmares, perhaps creating a balance in your soul. Love you so much, Courtney!