Nightmares about TJ upset me so much it makes my skin crawl. When I think about them, I want to bash my head into a wall over and over. Knock the images and feelings right out of me. They create so much doubt in me, in us. I find myself asking him "Do you still love me?" I beg him to stop them. And still they come.
The more I allow those visions to occupy my mind, the more darkness grows inside of me. As if a gate were opened, allowing fear to flow freely into the center of me. I have this mental image I can not shake. When I doubt him, I doubt all. I envision myself standing with arms outstretched, head thrown back screaming as swirling gray clouds flow into my open chest. I imagine that, as the stream flows inside, it causes my body to grow in size and length. I can almost hear my snarls trying to fight it. It turns my mind inside out and makes my chest ache. I feel like a monster. As if I have to change shape just to accommodate the growing disquiet.
It makes matters so much worse because I can't remember what it feels like to have his love. So each time there is any other notion placed as seed in my brain, the harder it is to discredit it. I want what I had. With each moment that passes I get farther and farther from it. Even the memories don't feel like my own anymore. I want to fight this, but I can't fight something that I can not anticipate.