Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Hell Hath No Fury...

WARNING: This installment might make you feel uncomfortable.  I'm making up for all of those entries that should have been as true as this one.  I am venting months and months of pain and frustration proving that that was then, and this... this is now.
Hot damn, writing tonight got me fired up.  Re-reading my old entries is pretty crazy.  When I write in this blog I read/edit my entry as I go, but once I publish it I don't ever look at it again.  I don't want to bring up that terrible unrest by reading it after I've been able to abate it.  But shit, I was a fucking wuss in the beginning.  I'll share a bit of what I wrote for my book with you tonight.  It'll explain what I mean:

" My weak, feeble attempts at rebellion in my early entries still irritate me to no end.  This is my blog, dammit.  And it’s obvious that the people I was longing to connect with weren’t reading it.  I doubt they even spared it a glance at all, let alone read it and kept up with it.  Those entries ooze passive aggressiveness.  It makes me angry.  I should have been able to say exactly what I meant and fuckall if someone takes it personally.  Maybe they should.  Maybe they should sit back and wonder “is she talking about me?”  Because odds are, if you're reading what I'm saying and thinking of only yourself, I most certainly am.  I was so afraid to say the wrong thing.  I’m so glad I grew some balls as time moved on.  In this entry from last year, I envision a weak little lamb, knees knocking when I read “Please don't misunderstand; I love my family and friends with all my heart.  This is not something I see for myself.  It's just a new emotion.”  For shits sake!  I wanted to be alone! ... I needed to protect myself from the rejection I was feeling.  And yet I still begged them, in my own way, not to give up on me."

I will never go back there.  I will never be that fearful again.  I am entitled to my feelings and the freedom to express them.  There is no need to make excuses.  They're feelings, how can they be wrong?  It's all a matter of personal opinion, anyway.  I am hurting.  All the time.  Some of my pain is exactly the same pain that I've been dealing with for the past 14 months.  Some of my pain is new, evolutionary.  But I am always hurting.  There is no need for me to try to sugar coat it for my audience.  If you really know me, if you spend time with me, talk to me, you know I cope.  But some people see my expression of pain and I am bombarded with input.  Some things that people say to me are bewildering.  When I'm questioned I can't help but wonder if they even know me at all.  Maybe if they paid more attention they would never say such things.  If they think that I should be "moving on" or "getting over" these things, are you for real?  If they think that I should be "putting on a brave face" or "being thankful for what I have" they can fucking call me after they watch their husband die right in front of them and tell me then how irrelevant that statement is.  Until then, they can't even begin to imagine this kind of pain.  I hope they never have to live with anything so terrible.  I'm sorry if my pain makes you uncomfortable.  How do you think it makes me feel?  I'm the one who has to live it.  You get to read this blog and then go back to your family; to your husband, to your wife.  If I sound bitter, it's because I am.  I've spent too much time longing for people to come back to me after they stopped checking on me, calling me, inviting me out.  I've spent too much time wondering why it was happening, wondering what I was doing wrong to make them pull away.  I've spent too much time pussy footing around my feelings in this blog because I didn't want the rejection to keep happening.  I tried everything I could to be understood.  But it didn't really matter what I said or what I did.  And I finally realized all that matters is what I think, what I do.  I've come this far all by myself.  I did it.  Me.  I'm no longer afraid.

I choose to be true to my emotions.  I choose to be proud of all that I have accomplished.  I choose to embrace this pain in my life.  And if others can't accept this about me, then they can kindly keep their judgments to themselves.




 

6 comments:

  1. I read 'em all! You have silent readers out here who pay attention. Even so, good for you for grabbing the reins. Never feel like you need to cover your feelings for anyone.

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    1. I know, B. I love you for reading and supporting me in this process. Reading my old entries for my book of reflections sends me right back to the pain of that moment in time. When I review them, it almost causes a sense of multiple personalities in me. I see the woman I used to be, struggling with all of these new challenges, and I want to protect her. This entry was my way of doing just that. To fight for her when she couldn't and to reassure her that those feelings were valid. Writing the way that I did in this entry was a way to acknowledge my former self and those feelings so that I can move forward with confidence. I fought brutally for her. And because I finally have given her the validation that she needed, a huge weight has been lifted.

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  2. I have been a silent reader for a long time now, and choose to keep it that way as I understand the pain you have been faced with.
    I have to say, reading this entry made me smile for you. I too embraced this anger, this new sense of self, and lost a ton of friends in the process.
    But I would never take it back. It is who I am.
    And now, who you are. Bravo!

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    1. First, I want to thank you for reading my blog. I'm so sorry that you have had to experience this kind of loss. No one should have to feel such pain. Secondly, thank you for your encouragement. I still feel so liberated having written this way. At first, I didn't. I wrote it and when I woke up the next morning I couldn't conceal my cringe face. Wondering how it would be received. But then I read it again and realized that I was fine. That this was something I needed to say and make no more apologies. And you're right. This is who I am now. Thank you.

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    2. It is very liberating, I agree. Don't question yourself, the way you feel, or the decisions you make. And never feel bad for feeling angry, sad, happy, or just plain numb. Your true friends will still be by your side when you are ready.

      Much love and adoration! xoxo

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  3. I comment and dont comment. Sometimes i feel you need a push other times i feel who am i to push you. We were friends pre tj and i want to stay friends post tj... some may not know where their friendship is if it was only a friend durning your time w/TJ??? The only way people know where you or they stand in your life is when its talkedabout. Most people our agedont have to deal with such a loss and tend to say the "wrong things" but are they the wrong things? Are we not here as yourfriend not hereto lift you up push you to heal to put a smile in your face when all you want to do is cry and shutdown and forget all the othergoodlife has in store for you? Are you not here for us your grieving friends that are at a complete loss as how to take all this pain away for you, to confide in us that just leave me alone or can we hang out or call me i miss our connection.... death is a huge stage in life that everyone deals with differently... i want to be the friend that lifts you up that holds you close that allows me to be me around you and not change how i have always been around you.. im not a dweler in despair for too long, i need to move on from despair and sadness and go on with my life while stil being your friend. Doesnt mean i dont care or dont miss tj as much as you....it just neans our frienship ment the world to me before tj and it means even more to me after tj xoxoxoxo

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