Sunday, April 29, 2012

A Turning Point?

I had a very typical abandonment dream again last night, but something happened that made me wake with a smile.  Not only did I finally sleep better than I have been (not great, but better) but waking up in peace is such a foreign feeling to me.  The more I tried to remember the details, the more they came back to me.  TJ and I were seperated (again- ugh).  I had my own loft apartment, which was pretty bad ass.  TJ called and wanted to talk about our relationship, so I went over to his apartment.  His place was bare.  He didn't have pillow cases, or a fitted sheet.  Just a comforter and a table and one chair.  Usually, in this part of the dream when we're together, he starts telling me all of the reasons why he doesn't want me anymore and I beg for him to take me back.  Well, this time TJ told me he wanted to get back together with me.  I sit and listened, but he didn't elaborate.  I sat silent, waiting to see if he'd continue, but he didn't.  I distinctly remember having my arms crossed over my chest.  I told him it wasn't a good idea to get back together.  I told him how badly he'd hurt me in the past.  How I was finally doing good things for myself like working a new job and preparing to enroll in a masters program.  I told him that I deserved to be treated better and that staying away from him when he is so toxic is what is best for me.  He began to protest (ah how the tides have changed in this dream!!) and I told him that I was sorry, and turned for the door to leave.

HOLY SHITBALLS, YOU GUYS!!  I do not interpret this dream as an official goodbye to TJ.  That will never ever happen.  But perhaps I am getting to the point that I no longer feel abandoned by him.  I know he didn't leave me on purpose, but my subconsious doesn't know that.  Now maybe it does.  Maybe I have gotten to a point where I no longer have to fear the rejection in my dreams.  Not having to worry about it plaguing me for days after I wake.  Maybe now I can dream of him lovingly and sweetly, like our real life together was like!  I've noticed that in any remotely good dreams I have about TJ he never speaks to me.  He's merely there, observing me.  The only time I hear his voice is in the nightmares when he's telling me horrible and weak I am.  Now that I've stood up to the dream TJ, who was mean to me, maybe I can open up the good dream TJ who will be with me in only love.

I woke today feeling liberated.  Having, for the first time in one of those dreams, defended myself.  All the others I would beg, plead, and cry rivers.  I would wail at him "I'll change!  I'll try harder!  Please don't leave me!"  Not this time.  I recognized his criticism as false and told him so.  Proved to him with my actions that all of those things he thought about me were wrong.  Every time I'd have an abandonment dream in the past, I would know deep down in my heart that they were the farthest thing from real.  That he never could think of me like that.  That he never had, and never would.  But still they haunted me.  This turning point in those dreams could mean happiness in dreams with TJ once more.  I welcome it.

2 comments:

  1. Wow Courtney. This dream was incredible and I feel you are quite right in your interpretation. I am proud of you with all that you've dealt with. So much love to you!

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