Sunday, April 1, 2012


I'm feeling an entirely different kind of pain tonight.  The weight of it feels like it will crush me into powder.  Tomorrow I start my new job.  As simple as that sounds, as simple as going to work can be, it is anything but.  When I wake up tomorrow, I'll be taking my first tangible step towards a new life.  It will be the first step of many in the years to come.  But my baby... My baby won't be here to see it.

I don't want any of this.  I don't want to make due with what I have.  I don't want to work so hard.  I hate trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  The biggest piece is missing.  Will always be missing.  How am I supposed to have a complete life without TJ in it?  It doesn't seem worth the effort sometimes.  How can anything be that good ever again?  Everything I try falls short, no matter the momentary joy I might find in new discovery.

Why am I doing this?  Why am I trying?  I have no answer to that question.  I want to have a good life, I do.  I just can't explain why, or how, I'm able to do anything at all.  I honestly don't know how I manage to get out of bed.  Brush my teeth.  Get a job...  Honestly, the most I can hope for is to be satisfied with whatever I can make out of this hand I've been dealt.  I can only hope that it's enough to keep me going.  To keep me sane.  Without TJ, I don't know if I can ever be truly happy again.  It seems all of the attempts I make fall short.  Nothing compares to the life I had.  Nothing compares to the love I had.  Nothing compares to the future I wanted.

I always told TJ that it didn't matter what happened in my life, as long as he was with me I knew I'd always be fine.  So now what am I supposed to do?  What does that leave me with?  How will I make this work?  And more importantly, how will I make this good?  Truly and wholly good?  I have no fucking idea.  I do not want to just learn to live.  To survive.  I want something full and pure and lovely.  How do I get there without him?  I need to know so I can try harder, fight harder.  I want so desperately to be happy again.  To not feel like a shell of a woman.  Nothing filled me up more than the promise of him.  Of his love.  Of our life together.  I don't know what it will take to not feel so empty inside now that he's gone.

I want answers, and I don't have any.  Will they ever come?  I'm sure that the only person who can answer any of them is, in fact, myself.  What a conundrum. 

1 comment:

  1. I don't know how you're doing it either, but you are, you're doing everything you can. I hope you give yourself credit for this every day, because you're amazing.