I'm feeling an entirely different kind of pain tonight. The weight of it feels like it will crush me into powder. Tomorrow I start my new job. As simple as that sounds, as simple as going to work can be, it is anything but. When I wake up tomorrow, I'll be taking my first tangible step towards a new life. It will be the first step of many in the years to come. But my baby... My baby won't be here to see it.
I don't want any of this. I don't want to make due with what I have. I don't want to work so hard. I hate trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. The biggest piece is missing. Will always be missing. How am I supposed to have a complete life without TJ in it? It doesn't seem worth the effort sometimes. How can anything be that good ever again? Everything I try falls short, no matter the momentary joy I might find in new discovery.
Why am I doing this? Why am I trying? I have no answer to that question. I want to have a good life, I do. I just can't explain why, or how, I'm able to do anything at all. I honestly don't know how I manage to get out of bed. Brush my teeth. Get a job... Honestly, the most I can hope for is to be satisfied with whatever I can make out of this hand I've been dealt. I can only hope that it's enough to keep me going. To keep me sane. Without TJ, I don't know if I can ever be truly happy again. It seems all of the attempts I make fall short. Nothing compares to the life I had. Nothing compares to the love I had. Nothing compares to the future I wanted.
I always told TJ that it didn't matter what happened in my life, as long as he was with me I knew I'd always be fine. So now what am I supposed to do? What does that leave me with? How will I make this work? And more importantly, how will I make this good? Truly and wholly good? I have no fucking idea. I do not want to just learn to live. To survive. I want something full and pure and lovely. How do I get there without him? I need to know so I can try harder, fight harder. I want so desperately to be happy again. To not feel like a shell of a woman. Nothing filled me up more than the promise of him. Of his love. Of our life together. I don't know what it will take to not feel so empty inside now that he's gone.
I want answers, and I don't have any. Will they ever come? I'm sure that the only person who can answer any of them is, in fact, myself. What a conundrum.