Friday, April 6, 2012

More Death, More Sadness

My Aunt Julie died today.  She'd been battling disease for years, but was managing.  I found out this morning before work that she was in the hospital and that there was talk of moving her to hospice.  But when I got home from my shift, I found out she had died.  I thought about her today.  Before I knew.  Thought that if she could only hold out until Sunday that I would visit her.  I'll never get that chance.

She was so very special to me.  We got to know each other so well when my Grandmother was ill years ago.  I felt a special connection with Aunt Julie, and I can't believe she's gone.  It makes me wonder even more why I try to accomplish anything.  Why I'm trying so hard.  I had to call yet another boss and tell them.  I've had to make three phone calls to bosses in the past 13 months.  I've lost four family members, and mourned two family friends who have died.  I can't escape this.  More people will die.  The older I get, the more frequent it will become.

My mother lost a sister today.  I love my mother so much.  I wish she were home so I could hug her and comfort her, and seek comfort in her embrace for myself.

It's amazing how this keeps happening.  Is this life's way of telling me to stay down?  To stop trying and just take it?  I want to.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and throw my hands in the air.  Since TJ died, the pain grows and grows, and I lose more and more.  What have I gained?  Nothing.  Despite my efforts.

God dammit!  God fucking dammit!!!  I need this to stop.  I don't want to have to say goodbye to anyone else.  Why can't I have peace?  It eludes me, no matter how much I cry and beg for it.

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