I've been feeling a combination of wariness and restfulness all day long. It wasn't until I came down for dinner that the dread crept into my chest. I realized that with the new job I've been going going going and haven't had much time to reflect. And now it has caught up to me.
I can't remember how to juggle. I was never very good at separating work and home, but I thought I'd been getting a pretty good handle on it. But tonight, I'm feeling dejected. Having pushed myself for weeks now, the "what's it all mean?" is coming back with a vengeance. Why do I have to go to work again? Why am I enrolling in school? Why am I trying so hard to be present? It's times like these that make all of the work seem pointless. Nothing can cure the constant ache I feel.
Hermit-ism is looking pretty good right now. Locking myself away and being left to my own devices. Blocking everything and everyone out. Seeking solace in solitary. That is the urge I am fighting. I want to shut the world out and create my own bubble of contentment. I want the impossible.