Sunday, April 29, 2012

A Turning Point?

I had a very typical abandonment dream again last night, but something happened that made me wake with a smile.  Not only did I finally sleep better than I have been (not great, but better) but waking up in peace is such a foreign feeling to me.  The more I tried to remember the details, the more they came back to me.  TJ and I were seperated (again- ugh).  I had my own loft apartment, which was pretty bad ass.  TJ called and wanted to talk about our relationship, so I went over to his apartment.  His place was bare.  He didn't have pillow cases, or a fitted sheet.  Just a comforter and a table and one chair.  Usually, in this part of the dream when we're together, he starts telling me all of the reasons why he doesn't want me anymore and I beg for him to take me back.  Well, this time TJ told me he wanted to get back together with me.  I sit and listened, but he didn't elaborate.  I sat silent, waiting to see if he'd continue, but he didn't.  I distinctly remember having my arms crossed over my chest.  I told him it wasn't a good idea to get back together.  I told him how badly he'd hurt me in the past.  How I was finally doing good things for myself like working a new job and preparing to enroll in a masters program.  I told him that I deserved to be treated better and that staying away from him when he is so toxic is what is best for me.  He began to protest (ah how the tides have changed in this dream!!) and I told him that I was sorry, and turned for the door to leave.

HOLY SHITBALLS, YOU GUYS!!  I do not interpret this dream as an official goodbye to TJ.  That will never ever happen.  But perhaps I am getting to the point that I no longer feel abandoned by him.  I know he didn't leave me on purpose, but my subconsious doesn't know that.  Now maybe it does.  Maybe I have gotten to a point where I no longer have to fear the rejection in my dreams.  Not having to worry about it plaguing me for days after I wake.  Maybe now I can dream of him lovingly and sweetly, like our real life together was like!  I've noticed that in any remotely good dreams I have about TJ he never speaks to me.  He's merely there, observing me.  The only time I hear his voice is in the nightmares when he's telling me horrible and weak I am.  Now that I've stood up to the dream TJ, who was mean to me, maybe I can open up the good dream TJ who will be with me in only love.

I woke today feeling liberated.  Having, for the first time in one of those dreams, defended myself.  All the others I would beg, plead, and cry rivers.  I would wail at him "I'll change!  I'll try harder!  Please don't leave me!"  Not this time.  I recognized his criticism as false and told him so.  Proved to him with my actions that all of those things he thought about me were wrong.  Every time I'd have an abandonment dream in the past, I would know deep down in my heart that they were the farthest thing from real.  That he never could think of me like that.  That he never had, and never would.  But still they haunted me.  This turning point in those dreams could mean happiness in dreams with TJ once more.  I welcome it.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Permanent Wounds

This book I'm writing is taking a toll on me.  Reliving those first months after TJ's death brings back so much confusion and pain.  Recalling the morning that he died, seeing it in my minds eye, makes me drop my head into my hands and wail.  It sucks the air from my chest and breaks my heart into a million pieces.  Revisiting those memories will probably do that for the rest of my life.  Time heals, but I can never forget.  I don't want to forget.  He was in so much pain, felt so much fear.  I could do nothing but try to talk to him, coo at him, rub his back and whisper to him.  Tell him that I love him, reassure him that they were coming to help him.

I would do anything, anything, to take away the panic he felt.  The pain of drowning amongst a sea of air.  He was so scared, and I just had to watch.  Helpless.  It's the worst experience in the entire world. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Definition: Dejected

I've been feeling a combination of wariness and restfulness all day long.  It wasn't until I came down for dinner that the dread crept into my chest.  I realized that with the new job I've been going going going and haven't had much time to reflect.  And now it has caught up to me.

I can't remember how to juggle.  I was never very good at separating work and home, but I thought I'd been getting a pretty good handle on it.  But tonight, I'm feeling dejected.  Having pushed myself for weeks now, the "what's it all mean?" is coming back with a vengeance.  Why do I have to go to work again?  Why am I enrolling in school?  Why am I trying so hard to be present?  It's times like these that make all of the work seem pointless.  Nothing can cure the constant ache I feel.

Hermit-ism is looking pretty good right now.  Locking myself away and being left to my own devices.  Blocking everything and everyone out.  Seeking solace in solitary.  That is the urge I am fighting.  I want to shut the world out and create my own bubble of contentment.  I want the impossible.

Monday, April 16, 2012

13 years

I'm feeling very sad tonight.  I had dinner at the restaurant where TJ and I spent our last wedding anniversary together.  At first I felt ok, but as the meal went on it got harder and harder.  I ordered exactly what I had that night we were together and it was just as delicious as I remember it.  I miss him terribly.  I think it also makes it hard knowing that tomorrow would have been our 13 year anniversary.  The ride home was the saddest part.  Knowing that the last time I made that trip back from Pakha's, TJ dozed soundly next to me in the passenger seat.  I reached over and rested my hand where he would have been for the ride back home to Frederick. 

I'm scheduled to work tomorrow and now I'm wishing I had requested off.  I have no idea how my day will go knowing how bad I feel right now.  Tomorrow I'll take flowers to the cemetery, and maybe even take a picnic lunch to Middletown Park, where he proposed 8 years ago.  I'm not sure if it will give me peace, or cause unbearable heartache, but I'm doing it anyway.  To celebrate the love that we had.

I love you, TJ, forever and always.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Me and You

Friday September 28, 2001 13:28:13

I'm at work and U2 is playing; I have top stop typing and thank God for you.  It's a song where he's talking about how he feels dirty, and this woman cleanses him.  That's exactly what you do for me.  I see so much purity in you.  I feel as though I have it because I have you.  I have to go, it's hard to write emails in here, too many people watching.  I love you.
T.J.

Thursday May 17 2001 18:05:29

The promise of you is what raises me out of bed every morning.  Without the knowledge that improving my life will improve our life, continuing would seem almost impossible.  The memory of you both hurts and elevates me.  Which part I choose to focus my attention on is what keeps me breathing.  I know that both our futures will be the same intimate, passionate story.  I love you.
T.J.

Tuesday December 11, 2001 18:05:16

I'm sorry I haven't been around to talk.  I've been getting back really late the past couple of days.  But seeing you made me fall in love with you again.  There was something so sweet about the whole night.  You always leave me needing more, whether we've been together for four hours or four straight days.  The craving I have for you doesn't know time.  I miss you.
I love you,
TJ

Thursday May 11, 2000 02:04:01

My ICQ was messed up so I couldn't write you, and I didn't want to call because of Cori, but I'm sorry at any rate.  I'm about to go to bed.  Every night I think about how much I miss being with you at night, and how, when we are together, I fall asleep satisfied and fulfilled in every way.  I miss the noises you make before you fall asleep.  I begin and end the day pretending you're with me.  It's the main reason why it's so hard to get out of bed in the morning-- I'm never finished kissing you.  Goodnight,
T.J.

Friday, April 6, 2012

More Death, More Sadness

My Aunt Julie died today.  She'd been battling disease for years, but was managing.  I found out this morning before work that she was in the hospital and that there was talk of moving her to hospice.  But when I got home from my shift, I found out she had died.  I thought about her today.  Before I knew.  Thought that if she could only hold out until Sunday that I would visit her.  I'll never get that chance.

She was so very special to me.  We got to know each other so well when my Grandmother was ill years ago.  I felt a special connection with Aunt Julie, and I can't believe she's gone.  It makes me wonder even more why I try to accomplish anything.  Why I'm trying so hard.  I had to call yet another boss and tell them.  I've had to make three phone calls to bosses in the past 13 months.  I've lost four family members, and mourned two family friends who have died.  I can't escape this.  More people will die.  The older I get, the more frequent it will become.

My mother lost a sister today.  I love my mother so much.  I wish she were home so I could hug her and comfort her, and seek comfort in her embrace for myself.

It's amazing how this keeps happening.  Is this life's way of telling me to stay down?  To stop trying and just take it?  I want to.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and throw my hands in the air.  Since TJ died, the pain grows and grows, and I lose more and more.  What have I gained?  Nothing.  Despite my efforts.

God dammit!  God fucking dammit!!!  I need this to stop.  I don't want to have to say goodbye to anyone else.  Why can't I have peace?  It eludes me, no matter how much I cry and beg for it.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Promise

I'm feeling an entirely different kind of pain tonight.  The weight of it feels like it will crush me into powder.  Tomorrow I start my new job.  As simple as that sounds, as simple as going to work can be, it is anything but.  When I wake up tomorrow, I'll be taking my first tangible step towards a new life.  It will be the first step of many in the years to come.  But my baby... My baby won't be here to see it.

I don't want any of this.  I don't want to make due with what I have.  I don't want to work so hard.  I hate trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  The biggest piece is missing.  Will always be missing.  How am I supposed to have a complete life without TJ in it?  It doesn't seem worth the effort sometimes.  How can anything be that good ever again?  Everything I try falls short, no matter the momentary joy I might find in new discovery.

Why am I doing this?  Why am I trying?  I have no answer to that question.  I want to have a good life, I do.  I just can't explain why, or how, I'm able to do anything at all.  I honestly don't know how I manage to get out of bed.  Brush my teeth.  Get a job...  Honestly, the most I can hope for is to be satisfied with whatever I can make out of this hand I've been dealt.  I can only hope that it's enough to keep me going.  To keep me sane.  Without TJ, I don't know if I can ever be truly happy again.  It seems all of the attempts I make fall short.  Nothing compares to the life I had.  Nothing compares to the love I had.  Nothing compares to the future I wanted.

I always told TJ that it didn't matter what happened in my life, as long as he was with me I knew I'd always be fine.  So now what am I supposed to do?  What does that leave me with?  How will I make this work?  And more importantly, how will I make this good?  Truly and wholly good?  I have no fucking idea.  I do not want to just learn to live.  To survive.  I want something full and pure and lovely.  How do I get there without him?  I need to know so I can try harder, fight harder.  I want so desperately to be happy again.  To not feel like a shell of a woman.  Nothing filled me up more than the promise of him.  Of his love.  Of our life together.  I don't know what it will take to not feel so empty inside now that he's gone.

I want answers, and I don't have any.  Will they ever come?  I'm sure that the only person who can answer any of them is, in fact, myself.  What a conundrum.