Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Taking a Break from the Drive

There are moments, after all of the pushing, all of the thinking, all of the doing, when I wonder why I bother trying so hard.  I try so hard to make a new life for myself.  Most of the time it isn't so bad.  Yes, it's hard, very hard, but I know it's the right thing.  Then some times, moments like this one, I am tired of trying.  I just want him back.  I'm so tired of pushing myself.  Sometimes it just seems like it would be so much easier to give up.  It seem easier, but I know it's not the way.

I want to share my life with him so badly.  It kills me to think that he won't ever know this new woman that I've become.  I want to show him how strong I am.  I want to show him how driven I am.  I want to share my joys with him, my excitement with him.  But how much joy and excitement can I really feel without him in my life?  The threshold has been altered.  My joys are no where near the level they were before TJ died.  Life was infinitely sweeter to have him to share it with.  To enjoy it with.  To savor it with.

Endless possibilities stretch out before me.  It's overwhelming to think that this is just the beginning of my life without him.  I feel empty when I think about it.  I don't want to have to just get by.  I want true happiness.  And as hard as I'm trying to find out how to achieve that goal, sometimes I'm just not sure how it'll work out.  I still can't believe he's gone.  I still can't believe that I'll have to do this without him.  Live without him for the rest of my life.  I want him to know me as I get older and wiser.  I want him to see my accomplishments and my empowerment.  I think he'd love me even more for what I've been able to do in the past year.  It's just so painful to know he can't see.  Won't know.  Can't know.

I want to zone out for the rest of the day.  I've been pushing myself harder than ever lately and I think it's catching up with me.  I want to try to clear my head and not think about the future just for a little while.  Right now, it's driving me crazy.  I need to rest.

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