Thursday, March 22, 2012

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

What an insanely emotional day!  My eyes sting from crying so much.  My life is beginning again and it is so fucking scary.

I had a job interview today.  While I was preparing this morning, I decided I had better eat something.  I started making a plain ol' tuna sandwich when the power flickered off and back on again.  All of a sudden, the stereo in the living room came on.  It was the most soothing piano music wafting from the speakers.  It was a little creepy that something that wasn't on before came on suddenly when the power supply returned to the house.  But, I kept it on.  So I sat by myself at the kitchen island, ate my sandwich, and listened.  When I finished I stared at my empty plate and my half full glass of water.  At that moment I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I burst into tears.  I asked TJ why why why was he gone?  I told him I didn't want to do this without him.  So many huge changes were happening all at once and I needed him.  Asked him to help me stay calm and confident for my day ahead. 

The interview went pretty well.  I had done my best and was completely honest with them.  I walked out feeling confident that my best was good enough.  When I got to my car, I thought back to when I was asked why I left my last job.  When I was asked, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said "my husband died".  Emotions overwhelmed me and I had to breathe deeply to continue past the lump in my throat.  I explained that it was time for a change.  That everything else had changed in my life and that I was ready for something new.  Something that would help me work towards that greater good that I want to be a part of so badly.  I know it's just a cashier's position, but working for a company with such good values and such a drive to make the world a better place is so much more than I was doing in my last job.  Thinking about choking up in the interview caused me to totally lose it while I sat in my car in their parking lot.  My life is moving forward.  It's wonderful and terrifying.

Adding another heaping spoon full of big firsts, I went to the Tai Sophia open house to get information about getting a masters degree in acupuncture.  It just fits.  The professors I met were excellent people, and the methods and curriculum are fascinating.  The cost scares the piss out of me, but ultimately that won't matter.  This is something that I have even more of a desire to accomplish now, and accomplish it I will.  I spent a good 20 minutes after wards speaking with one of the acupuncture professors.  My story came up, and she listened with such compassion and intent.  She told me that she can sense that this is exactly my path, and that all roads have lead me here.  I couldn't agree more.  She told me that she could tell the love I have for him is infinite and what a gift he has given me of that love and that passion inside of me now.  I cried with her, and we hugged goodbye.

I wasn't ready to go home, so I drove to Guido's.  I needed to end this day with a stiff drink and what better place than that?  Seeing Casey behind the bar was the only reason I continued in.  I needed a familiar face so badly.  And to see that TJ's photo is still on their bulletin board was such a relief.  I had my drink (his drink, actually, whiskey and ginger ale) and leaned back; observed the other bar folk.  I thought about how we can never truly know what goes on around us.  What pain, what joy, churn inside those around us.  When I finished my drink, I asked for a napkin to write on.  I wrote another note for TJ, pinned it behind his photo.  Before I walked away, I kissed my finger tips and pressed them to TJ's picture.  I whispered "I love you, baby" and headed out.

I'm so fucking exhausted.  Today felt like the first day of the rest of my life.  Talk about heavy shit.  My future stretches out before me and I'm afraid, sad, and happy all at the same time.  If today is any indication, my new life is going to be intense.  Bring it.

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