Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Snails and Molasses and Everything Slow

I laid in bed staring at our photo.  It was new years eve in a club in Baltimore.  I started thinking about how he loved me.  How no one will ever love me like that.  Will I ever have someone write me the most passionate love letters?  He loved me so well.  So absolute.  It's been so long since I've seen him with my own eyes.  So long since I last touched him.  And yet, this is just the beginning of my life without TJ. 

I'm absolutely not ok.  Despite the steps I've taken life is still frozen for me in so many ways.  I'm broken.  And feeling so fucking alone.  Does anyone miss him like I do?  It has become disturbingly rare that I am allowed a glimpse of the grief I know we must share.  Rare that I am allowed to be the one to confide in.  Those with partners, they have someone they can lean on.  But what about me?  It seems as though life has sped along for everyone else and I've been left behind in the dust.  I've given up all hope of catching up to them.  But I keep opening myself up hoping that I'll be received.  Hoping that my honesty will spark honesty in return.  It's painful realizing that the people I wish would talk to me, would check in on me, don't.  I feel like screaming at them.  Flailing my arms and jumping up and down just to try to get their attention.  This is not one sided!  We're all not so different.  Loss is loss.  Are you really as fine as you look?  I know I'm not.  Not by a long shot.  I've never expected anyone to be strong for me.  I need to know that I'm not alone.  Do they think I'm healing?  Do they think enough time has passed that they don't have to ask anymore?  If the answer to these questions is yes, then I am so screwed.  Do I seem more stable?  Is that what it is?  The illusion of stability causing their relief that they can avoid the subject with me?  I still cry every day.  I still think about TJ every second.  The pain is there and it is very, very real. 

Everything has changed.  My life crawls at a snails pace.  I can't expect anyone to come back and stay with me here in this place; my life moving slower than molasses on a cold day.  But please, come back and see me from time to time.  Stay with me just a little while.  Then I will let you go back.  Let you fall back in with your pace, while I stay in mine.  Just please don't forget me.

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