Friday, February 10, 2012

Quora- a welcomed link from Kali

A friend sent me a link for a website call Quora.  The question posted was "When should someone be finished grieving".  Oh, that poor soul who thinks it can end...  The responses were inspiring.  They cover all things I have thought of in response to my own loss.  These people give me hope that the stereotypical grief model can be splintered and cracked, broken down to never be contained again.

"In a group loss session I attended we all started referring to ourselves as the "aliens". We are no longer just like all of the other people going about our daily lives. We have been made different by our loss, for better or for worse. Mostly, I want to comment on what other people are saying to you. In my 4 years since my Holly died, I have experienced a huge spectrum of "help" from my friends and family. There are people who innately seem to know how to just listen to you and not try to fix the unfixable. You will naturally become closer to them and learn to lean on them. On the other hand, there are others who have no idea how to deal with the "uncomfortableness" of dealing with one of the "Aliens". They will naturally shy away from you. Let them. Finally there are others that will try to "Fix" you. They are the most destructive and the most anger inducing. You will naturally push them away. ‎To all of you non-Aliens out there my advice is that, as painful as it is to watch us in grief, don't try to fix us in the normal sense of the word. Listen to us and be there for us. Encourage us to seek help when it is justified but don't push it on us. We may say no and that is OK. Don't try to fit us into a mold of grief stages or timelines." -Rob Cameron

"I don't think grief ever goes away. Nor do I think it should. It fundamentally changes who you are and how you see life. The painful parts of it do fade over time but they never quite go away and they can come back quickly too at a familiar sight, sound or scent . I think death and all its consequences are an important part of life. They're major life events that make you question your foundations, make you question what you do each day and make you try harder in the short period of time you have while alive. That's something that is a very much a product of grief and I think it's a completely intentional and necessary part of life." -Jose Reyes

"One of the myths of our time is that there is something called "closure," and that with closure comes "healing." Closure is a literary device in storytelling and a cliche used in journalism. In the real world it doesn't exist. You grieve as long as you must. You get on with your life as best you can. And you still get blindsided from time to time with a wave of longing and pain you had no idea was still there." -Barry Hampe

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