Sunday, February 26, 2012

Lower than Low

I woke up feeling completely in the dumps.  The dark, dank, lonely dumps.  Most of this weekend has been a reenactment of the last weekend TJ and I spent together.  The Friday before he died, we went to an academic tournament with his parents in New Market.  The Saturday before he died we went to our friend's birthday party- out to dinner and drinks.  The Sunday before he died we had a family dinner for my brother's birthday.  After he died, I was thinking how fortunate it was for everyone to have seen him so recently.  But now it's happening all over again.  Last night was my friends birthday dinner.  She lives in Frederick, but the location was New Market.  I had to drive right past the school TJ and I went to for the academic tournament the Friday before he died.  I joined the same faces that were at the birthday dinner last year.  I ended up excusing myself 3 times at the restaurant to cry and cuss in the bathroom stall.  Today is my brother's birthday.  The family is coming over at 4pm to gather and enjoy. 

Looking back to this time last year, it amazes me how blissfully unaware I was.  Going about my days the same as always.  Without the faintest idea of what was coming.  I feel like complete shit today.  Lower than low.  I feel like my heart is going to explode this very second.  I couldn't possibly feel worse, at least I hope I can't.  It might kill me if I get any worse.  I have never understood how someone could feel so much pain like this and not die from it.  It seems impossible to keep breathing when every cell in my body is screaming for him.  It's like I can actually feel the tearing apart of organs.  I can feel myself breaking and repairing, breaking and repairing.  And I have no idea what to do about it.  I sit in silence, feeling everything sink inside me.  Become heavy and unmovable.  Paralyzed by pain and sorrow.  I have to just sit and feel it.  Hopefully it will let up enough for me to function today.   

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