Saturday, February 11, 2012

Love Letter?

Baby, baby, baby, why did you have to die?  Why did you have to leave me here all alone to live with this?  I know you didn't want this for us.  Sometimes I imagine you watching me while I'm crying.  While I'm talking to you through tears of pain.  I imagine you telling me you're sorry.  That you never wanted this.  You never wanted to leave me.  But you did leave me.  I feel like I don't fit anywhere anymore.  Everyone at home has families of their own, sweet babies and loving spouses.  I temporarily forgot all of that while I was here in Eugene.  That was why I wanted to come out here.  Not necessarily to forget, but to try to learn to accept it all.  To accept that we are not meant to have those things that they have.  It all just came hammering down on me an hour ago.  I don't want to go home now.  I don't want to go back to that kind of pain.  What the fuck am I going to do?  I feel abandoned.  Important people have faded away from me.  I have no control.  I want them to stay but I can't make them.  I read something on the internet the other day by another person who's experienced loss.  He said in one of his support groups they started calling themselves "Aliens".  It's the perfect description for me.  I'm foreign to others.  They don't understand what this is.  Because of their lack of understanding, they pull away.  It hurts me so much.  Not only do I feel abandoned by you, my love, but from others that are still here.  Watching them go on, leaving me so confused, is heart breaking.  I feel like I am constantly in a state of confusion.  Nothing is clear anymore.  I have trouble making the smallest decisions.

It doesn't make sense, what's happened to us.  You had so much more to do in your life.  And I would have made you so happy.  You made me so happy, baby.  You were so excited to become a father.  I can't fucking believe that we both were robbed of that joy.  Other people don't know how good they've got it.  They are surely thankful, but I would do anything, anything, to have you back with me.  Maybe we wouldn't be able to have children.  I wouldn't care.  We could adopt.  I'd still have you.  You're the most precious thing I could ever hope for.

Our future changed with your last heartbeat.  Both of our lives ending, in literal and figurative ways.  I keep wishing you would come to me somehow.  In a dream, perhaps... I want you to tell me that everything is going to be fine.  I want you to tell me what my future looks like.  I want to know that it will get better.  It's so very bleak in my eyes.  I feel hopeless most of the time.  Occasionally, I'll have spurts of excitement towards the future, but they never last very long.  I can't possibly imagine what my life will be like in 5, 10, 20 years from now.  I can't possibly get excited about spending all of those years without you.

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