Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm not ready...

I'm not ready for a lot of things.  I'm not ready to go home.  I'm not ready to find a job.  I'm not ready for TJ's anniversary.  I'm not ready to shop for headstones...

I'm not ready to move forward.  I'm quite content right where I am.  Doing whatever I want, whenever I want to do it, is addictive.  Today I will pay my bills for the month, and apply for a substitute position.  None of these things will be fun.  Right now, I just want to pretend that this can continue.  It's so much easier.  I know it's lazy, but I don't care.  Finding energy is just fucking hard.  I don't really care about much since TJ died.  And that hasn't really changed over the last 11 months.  I know I need to start making money.  I know I want to go to school.  I'd really love to snap my fingers and *POOF* be a successful acupuncturist with a fantastic income.  It's not that I'm not willing to work hard.  I always work hard when I need to get something done.  But being able to sit and think of him; being able to be still with my thoughts is such a blessing.  Something I simply must do.  I'm not ready for that to change, and it's going to very soon.

The thought of working is a humongous bummer.  I think it'd be different if I were at a place where I'd want to do it.  Like, out of boredom or something.  But because I don't want to work, but I can't ride this train any longer either, this is a major downer.  And I'm sure everyone reading this is thinking "boo-fucking-hoo, you have to get a job like the rest of us"... but it's different.  Trust me.  I know that I am incredibly fortunate to be able to take this time for myself.  But, if it's between this or having TJ back, working my ass off at BDL with no raise and no full time hours, wondering how on earth we're going to afford daycare for our baby, I'd take the latter in a heart beat.  So, please, keep that in mind.

This is different.  This is far from free-loading laziness.  This is the way I've chosen to grieve; to put myself first and take care of my soul.  I can't imagine doing it any other way.  I am confident in the choices I have made thus far (which is a hell of a lot better than a bunch of regrets and unnecessary stress).  I'm sure I'll be fine once I start work.  It's just that it feels too "normal" and inside I feel anything but.  Since TJ died, I haven't been able to fake it.  And by "it" I mean anything.  Oh, I've tried.  But my true feelings always prevail.  I don't know if I can fake "normal".  I guess I'm going to have to try if I'm going to make some money.  Man, I hate money.

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