Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Floating in and out

I can't focus.  I can't make myself care about anything.  It feels like he just died all over again.   My spirit feels removed from my body.  I can't even cry; there is only numbness.

I don't care about anything or anyone right now.  My thoughts are only for TJ.  Always for TJ.  No food tastes good.  As soon as I eat it I feel sick.  This constant pit in my stomach is never filled.  Not with food, not with anything.

I've never wanted to be dead.  I've never wished for it to have been me instead.  Not only would he want me to live, but I could never allow him to have to endure this much pain.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.  Could never allow such tragedy to consume him like it does to me now.

If anything, I feel less able to handle my grief now more so than when he died.  The numbness was so strong.  It's creeping back, but not nearly enough to help me handle the days ahead.  Now I know what life feels like to live without him for a year.  And knowing I will have to endure the rest of my life without him... the thought sickens me.  Weakens me.  I hate this new life.  I want my love back.  I want my life back.

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