Sunday, January 15, 2012

Why?

I woke up crying this morning.  I really hate those days.  It sets the tone, usually.  I try not to allow it, but it always wins out in the end.  Every dream I had last night, I was crying for him.  Crying because people had stopped caring, that they had ceased to think of him or talk about him.  These themes presented themselves in myriad ways through the dream sequence.  After each one, I'd wake crying and then lull back to sleep.  Then another dream, and waking in tears.  The final dream was short, but it was the hardest of all to wake from.  Someone had asked me a really insensitive question and I burst in to tears.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  And then, out of the faded edges of the dream, TJ came running.  He ran straight to me, and without any hesitation leaned down and kissed me on the lips.  I couldn't believe he was with me.  I couldn't believe his lips were finally on mine again.  He pulled back so slightly that his face was still close to mine.  His beauty took up my entire field of vision.  He looked at me curiously and asked the question "why"?

When I opened my eyes I could still see his image burned into my eyes.  I closed them immediately, trying to get it back.  His question echoed in my mind, but I wasn't able to hold on to his face for long before it slipped away into the blackness of my eyelids.  What did he mean when he asked me "why"?  I can't for the life of me figure it out.  I haven't been able to stop crying since.  I wept into my pillow when I lost him.  I still weep for him now.

I miss him so much.

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