I'm trying hard not to think of the year mark looming in just a matter of weeks. I'm trying to focus more on the 11 month mark coming next Friday. I just can't believe it's almost been a year without TJ. Yesterday was a difficult day. I cried often, tried hard to imagine being able to feel him again. Hearing songs in the grocery store that screamed "TJ!" and not being able to help but wonder if it was some kind of sign. I want to believe in that so badly, but I just can't. I always end up chalking it up to coincidence.
A really amazing friend called last night out of the blue. She and I were able to talk about all sorts of fun things, and then rounded on "the subject". Talking my day out with her really helped me get a handle on the emotions I'd been feeling all day. And how I feel about the year mark being just around the corner.
I realized that a lot can happen in a year. Whether it's an average year, or one full of new things, a year sounds like a lot of time. It doesn't feel like that to me. I know I've made some progress, but I really feel like I've slept through this entire year. That's the best way I can find to describe it. It's like this year didn't even happen. Like I fell asleep the day he died and woke up the day after. But in reality, it's a year after. How can so much time have passed and I not feel it?
It is a total mystery to me, this time warp. How will it change? I don't want to speed things up. I want to stay right where I am because I know what it feels like. The evolution of my grief is slow going. And I'm at peace with that. There is no rushing these things; they must run their course and you must allow them to change you. I don't want to feel like this forever, yet I am so totally used to it now. I'm more wary of what is coming.
Being here in Eugene, Oregon is beginning to give me what I was looking for. A way to bide my time before the one year mark. To be alone with my thoughts and at the same time allow me a change of scenery in which to adapt. Nothing is really making more sense, but I have a greater opportunity to be more present of mind. To challenge myself in ways I haven't before. Prove to myself that I am stronger. Encourage myself to be brave. I believe I have succeeding in doing those things. I'm interested in how I will feel when I get home, and what I will have learned here to take with me always.